Living in the Solution: Dealing with Mentally Ill Family Members

Author:

 

Sergey Nivens

There is a mental health facility in my neighborhood that houses patients.  Non-residents can use this place for respite during the day.  They are blessed.  Social contact and communal engagement helps promote a sense of belonging in a human.  It is one of our basic human needs.

Lately, my thoughts have wondered how long it takes some mental health patients, without this kind of support, to adjust to loneliness and isolation.  The question arises because one aspect of said illnesses is poor interpersonal relationships.  An inability to get along with others is frequent and deeply felt by both the mental health patient and those that belong to their family.  Poor relationships - that in and of itself is not surprising.

Bipolar patients have unexpected mood swings.  Depressed consumers rarely want to leave their beds or homes for social interaction.  Anxious people are always excited about “something” and can either present as overly aggressive, boisterous or always moving around.

Family members choose one of several solutions:

Avoidance – “Is (Harry) going to be there?  I’m not coming.  He’s crazy.  He is difficult to talk to and you just never know what he is going to do or say next.” 

Some people choose to not engage at all with moody people.  The constant uncertainty of their behavior, vocalized intentions and unexpected stories make it difficult to hear, observe or participate in live while they are around. 

Author:

 

vectoraart

This solution works for the “well” person but does little for the consumer.  Isolation, already delivered by the consumer’s hand to themselves, now becomes an external experience too.  The loneliness drives some to commit suicide, use drugs or act out sexually.  But, in the self-centered world we live in, that is the mental health consumer’s problem, not anyone else’s.  Right? 

Especially since this same person has caused so much harm and wrecked so much havoc in the family home.  What responsibility does the family have to this person after years and years of abuse?

Acceptance – This family unit accepts their crazy cousin and all the drama they bring to life.  Mind you, the mental health consumer (crazy cousin) is totally unaware of their bizarre nature.  In fact, because people often laugh at what he/she does, the consumer thinks they are normal.  They continue “entertaining” family members because some attention is better than none.

They accept this loved one, give them food and shelter after each “binge” of bad behavior that can result in a trip to jail, three days in the street chasing drugs or any other abnormal disappearance.  Eventually, the family might get tired.  Some don’t.

Assistance – This family unit tries to assist the mental health consumer.  They invite them to events, ask them did they take their meds, remind them when they do or say something inappropriate, and hug them to let them know they are loved and accepted regardless of their quirkiness.  This kind of support assists a patient’s pursuit towards wellness.

 

Author: 3DAgentur

For those that don’t know they are sick, these families have interventions to confront the bizarre behavior and ask the loved one to get help.  This kind of support may be unwelcomed, but it is an act love.

Probably the best thing about this kind of family unit is communication.  They talk to each other and probably, at some point, have talked to a mental health professional about their loved one.  That makes sense.  Just like drug and alcohol addictions are family diseases, so is a mental health disorder.  It is a disease that impacts the family.

Where are you?

Which family unit would you desire to belong to?  Which family member are you?  One who avoids, accepts/denies a loved one’s condition?  Or, are you in that glorious, rare group of families that assists your loved one as best you can?

The last option probably happens in healthy family units versus dysfunctional ones.  This also means a healthy faith community, work environment or social group.  We have so much to learn about each other.  Extending grace and love and mercy towards others is a gift that many are unwilling to give.  To those of you that do, thank you.  You are truly an example of “living in the solution of life.”

 

Be blessed,

M

Low Self-Esteem and Feelings of Grandiosity are Egotistical & an Aspect of Mental Illness

Author:

 

outsider

Definitions of mental illness include phrases such as “disorders that affect your thinking and your ability to relate to others,” according to The Mayo Clinic and NAMI.  Maybe that is why the Word of God instructs us to avoid relying on our own understanding and thoughts.

We are instructed to not “lean to our own understanding” in Proverbs the 3^rd chapter.  The New Testament holds an instruction to “destroy every thought that raises itself against the knowledge of God” in 2 Cor. 10:5.

Even 12-step programs understand the harm caused when we obey only our own thoughts.  We call it “EGO.”  EGO is also an acronym for Easing God Out.  My argument is that when we think too highly or too lowly of ourselves, we demonstrate signs of a dis-order in our thinking and stand egotistically against the Word of God.

Members of 12-step programs are familiar with how the ego gets in the way of our ability to make sound decisions.  Initially, someone seeking relief from behavior that demonstrates self-harm is unaware of the harm they have going on in their head.  However, over time, the more healthy relationships a person builds, the more they practice the 12 steps and accountability with a sponsor, a light bulb of self-awareness begins to shine. 

This is when being in recovery is a blessing because we can see our character defects and negative, destructive thinking patterns as in direct violation of spiritual principles, universal law and God’s Word.

Recent news events have made me think of the alternative ways people display dis-ease in their thinking.  Yes, I am referring to the former NAACP President in Spokane, WA and the person who killed church members in South Carolina. 

Morally, we believe it is wrong to harm other people, lie, cheat, kill and steal.  Anytime a person decides to behave in such a fashion, they are literally Easing God Out.  (Some might argue it is a shove, but that doesn’t work as an acronym for this article.)

Granted, some may disagree with me that Easing God Out is a form of mental dis order – but they are also entitled to their opinion.  My argument is that we are all guilty of thinking and doing what we want to do, when we want to do it.  And anytime that occurs, we are acting out of a place that does not demonstrate humility under Universal Law.  We are disrespecting God, other people and denying the human dignity of both ourselves and others.  We are God instead of being under God.

Our society likes to have a standard of behavior to measure right and wrong.  It is right to pay for groceries, clothing and makeup.  It is wrong to steal.  These moral forms of justice are also biblical and universal.  So, lying is missing the mark.  It is deceiving someone into believing something that is not true.  It is also proof of a faulty thinking pattern...dis ease. 

When we think too low of ourselves, we are easing God out.  God says we are wonderfully made and therefore, self-loathing and self-hatred are exalted thoughts against the knowledge and Word of God.

Author:

 

3DAgentur

The same goes for believing we are invincible, better than others and have the right to kill.  Signs of faulty thoughts and thinking patterns exalted and lifted up against the knowledge and Word of God.  

Our society is suffering and that means people are too.  Maybe one of the worst decisions this country ever made was to Ease God Out of its daily affairs: education, politics, government, etc.  The extremes that people stretch to protect themselves, advance their own agendas and, subsequently, hurt others have reached unbelievable heights. 

One source of hope for me is that judging other is NOT the solution.  Praying for others is one solution.  Focusing on my own “right” behavior is another solution.  Allowing others to help me monitor my behavior, thoughts and moods helps too.  In this way, I remain accountable to Christ and others for my behavior and will not get stuck in leaning to my own understanding. 

Granted, none of us does this perfectly, including me.  But it is the grace of God that allows us to humbly ask for direction.  If we obey what we hear and read, we grab hold of a peace that passes all understanding.  It comes from living out God’s desires for our lives.  This peace is a sign that dis ease and dis order in our thinking will not rule the way we live our lives.

Be blessed,

M

Don’t Hide: Facing your Life and its Difficult Consequences

Often I think of historical religious leaders who failed in their personal lives only to face the public’s scrutiny.  It is difficult.  Mostly, it is difficult because many times the fallen soldier must figure out how to stand up again with little communal compassion or supportive arms and words.

Yet, they do.  We do.  You can too.

Anyone Can Fall

Recently my online perusal revealed a woman who went to a prestigious K-12 boarding school.  She was expelled during her senior year and even though she came from a wealthy family, she decided to start a prostitution business after graduating from college.

Needless to say, she was caught, convicted, served time and re-emerged on New York’s social scene several years later. 

Shunned, shamed and confident, she began to rebuild her life.  She wrote a book, which is too expensive for me to purchase, and eventually caught the eye of a businessman who helped her market herself anew.  As fairy tale stories tend to end, it appears she is doing well now.

For some of us, that is not the case. 

Returning to the Public Eye

Surely this woman still sees the sideway glances when she walks into a room.  I assume those glances are easier to bear if you have a financial cushion.  That cushion allows you to travel, impulsively, to escape the glares, the whispers and the loneliness from a once familiar place.

This is where the toughest of the tough emerge.  This is when a sense of self and your own inherent value becomes critical to daily psychological survival.  Remember the pastor who was caught practicing homosexual behavior after publicly denouncing homosexuality?  Remember the Florida pastor who overdosed while traveling in New York?  Many other preachers have survived these challenges.  But there are also a bunch of musicians, actors, politicians and former presidents that have too.

So can we.  So can you.

Life goes on.  People get over themselves and our bruised egos begin to heal.  We had to learn the hard way, but the blessings and lessons of the struggle are clear:

1.       Be aware of your limitations.  When people fall, it usually isn’t an isolated incident.  Many people forget that there was a family connected to this person who fell.  The profession they tried to manage is now, most likely, gone.  Often, our poorest decisions are made in the heat a moment while trying to find a way to escape or cope with stress. 

But, sometimes falls happen because people are greedy.  No matter what the reason, the lesson is to know your limitations.  Overextending ourselves to meet materialistic goals or please others because we have a “title” or a “position” is dangerous.  When your psyche says, “I’m tired,” listen.  Respond. 

2.       Be aware of your needs.  Something is internally amiss when we seek external satisfaction for internal wounds.  Surely, someone is reading this and thinking, “Oh, yeah…blame it on your childhood.”  (I say, “Let’s forget that person for now.”)  Many of us have hidden secrets, shames, wounds and experiences that shaped us into who we are today. 

What can come out in therapy is the clear dysfunctions of our family that, in our mind, we have painted as rosy white picket fence experiences.  Stop lying to yourself.  Get some help.  Uncover those wounds and break free of your past hurts.  You are worth it.

3.       Be aware you lived to tell the story.  That pastor is Florida – he died.  But the rest of us, we have another chance at redemption.  We still have our life, our strength, our right mind (if lucky) and a story to tell.  Somewhere, someone needs to know you survived so they can equip their mind, body and soul to endure their particular situation.

It all seems for naught but it is not.  There is nothing better than knowing my personal testimony helps someone make a better decision, avoid a deep pothole or change the legacy of their family’s history. 

4.       Be aware you are valuable, worthy and deserving.  Mistakes don’t cancel our worth.  In fact, mistakes sometimes make us discover our true value to ourselves.  When we realize we don’t have to do or act in ways that are immoral or illegal to feel good about who we are, we find a sense of worth and value that was never there before.  Then, we realize we deserve a good life, because God said so.  We deserve and can have happiness and peace.

People may not forget what we have done, but God sees where we are going.  Let’s use our lives to bless others from both the places of success and failure.  You never know whose life you could save.

5.       Live.  Yes, live.  Live like there is no tomorrow, laugh like there was no yesterday, heal because you can and smile because the worst appears to be over.  Yeah, live!

Be blessed,

M

Remaining Consistent in Spite of Setbacks

Blows, bumps and bruises: byproducts of life.  Whether physical, psychological or financial, bouncing back from being knocked off balance can be difficult for a person managing a mental illness.

Major life events, such as the death of a loved one, the birth of a child, buying a home or being fired, can send a mental health consumer spiraling up or down, depending on their diagnosis.  There may or may not be other variables involved, but since we can’t control our external environments, it is best to know, to count on the fact that sometimes we will be knocked off the smooth course and rhythms of life.

A variety of medical professionals rely on the Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale to determine ones susceptibility to illness.  This scale outlines many major life events.  By using the scale, a person can determine how susceptible they are to experiencing illness as a result of any major life event. 

For the mental health patient, this is a good guide to heighten awareness of times that can be stressful.  Of course, there will be unexpected events, but being mindful to maintain emotional balance and mental wellness is very, very important.

Imagine if you had a succession of events.  Your likelihood of anxiety, depression, etc. increases as you juggle more events.  The good news is, for the mental health patient, this is a great way to be on the offense, instead of defense, during troubling times.

Consistency is now a top priority.

Author: David Castillo Dominici

Maintain your position:  Consistently practice self-care

Consistency is so important.  Whenever we strive to reach a goal, consistency keeps us on track.  Although we cannot always control external environments, continuing the routines of wellness will help us maintain balance.  

This means, keep taking medication, keep visiting the therapist and stay the course by remaining connected to your support group.  Whatever routines you developed to achieve wellness or recovery, maintain them to simulate balance during stormy times.

Maintain your position:  Consistently seek inspiration

The number of devotional books available for purchase is astronomical.  There are so many ways to feed one’s soul/spirit with inspiration that it seems a shame not to have something in place.  Our society has a way of jumping on the latest trends.  If you, as a mental health consumer, established the practices of mindfulness or meditation, keep them in place when trouble comes.

These activities not only keep us centered, but fed with seeds of hope, inspiration, positive perspectives and strength.  What you need for each day, you will find if you seek it consistently.

Maintain your position:  Focus on the future

Major life events have a way of pulling people into past guilt and shame.  “If only I hadn’t done this, if only I hadn’t moved here…if only….I should have, I would have” -- you get the picture.  These thoughts are a great seeds to plant in the soil of failure.  Setbacks can become a breeding ground for feeling “stuck in the mud.” 

Living life in the rear view mirror forces our eyes on yesterday and yesteryear.  

 Instead, know that you can only do something about today.  Forgive yourself.

Make positive plans for tomorrow.  Lay the course for a positive direction.

Find one person who believes in you and wants to help you succeed.

Focus on the future.  Focus…focus…yes, demand your mind stay focused!

As we consistently seek better states of wellness for ourselves, we demonstrate our commitment to recovery and living in life’s solutions.  I’m not saying that we will magically experience relief.  Instead, this is a reminder that consistency will and does pay off if we stay the course.

Be blessed,

M

B4Stage4

Living and Dealing with Mental Illness

An untreated mental illness can wreak havoc in the lives of a patient’s loved ones.

Currently, a friend of mine is in an episode that has already lasted several weeks.  The behavior has resulted in mismanagement of money, an eviction notice and, possibly, a return to substance abuse. 

Out of concern and sorrow, I placed a call only to discover there really isn’t much anyone can do.  The courts and mental health organizations need clear proof that this person is a danger to self or others.  And, they are.  Just not in ways that can legally justify secluding this person.  Not in ways that prove someone will be directly hurt with knives or guns or suicide.

What we normally do?

Normally, we worry.  We try to fix, rescue, plead and bargain.  Ultimately, it is probably common that when a family surrenders to their loved one’s behavior, they get to stand by and watch in horror and know they can do nothing. 

It is clear to me that there should be some nuances in the laws that uphold my friend’s right but also make it impossible for his/her poor judgment to continuously lead to acts of self-harm.

We have free will.

What can we do?

Pray.

Set boundaries.

Listen.

Talk about how I feel.

Remain available to assist in the solution.

Because I am not a mental health specialist or trained in administering healthcare, I want to clearly state that these are solutions I have found workable for me. 

After carefully listening to others that have travelled this beaten path, I understand I can’t make anyone do what they don’t want to do.  If my friends or family members don’t want to take care of themselves, maybe there is little I can do.  Maybe the only thing I can do is pray.  The prayers I send up help me remain centered in my own care by looking up to a Source stronger than I.

Meditate.  Interestingly, people meditate in different ways.  For me, meditation is listening for God’s response.  Often, that comes after I arise from my kneeling position and hear the voices of older, wiser men and women who have survived similar experiences.  I hear their emotional and physical responses to the challenges we face while loving in any community.  I gain strength and insight from their travels.

The boundaries I then am able to set come from a place of wellness.  I am able to stay well for me.  I am able to let the other person know that you must live with your choices and I need not rescue or jump into your insanity to demonstrate “I love you.”  In fact, it is quite the opposite…I love you enough to leave you to your own wisdom.  It just doesn’t work for me.

B4Stage4

With insight, this experience helps me understand the harm, worry and confusion I can inflict in the lives of people who love me when I act in ways that are bizarre, harmful to self and confusing to others. 

Some of the biggest challenges with having a mental illness is being deeply and truly honest with oneself that we are different from other people, but not complete aliens to the human race.  Another challenge is admitting we need the help of others to help us see and live in reality about the choices we make.  Finally, working diligently to silence the self-destructive voice is a full-time job all by itself. 

If people who have major depressive disorder make up 3% of the population, it is no wonder the remaining 97% struggle to understand our lot in life. 

Mental illness is real, debilitating and mandates if you want to pursue recovery, you must reach out for help.  If stage 4 is hospitalization, the first three stages mandate a mental health consumer remain vigilant about their own sense of wellness and personal safety.  In this way, we do have a chance to recover.

Take a Break!

Regaining Balance B4Stage4

Deadlines motivate me to complete projects.  As the end date draws near, my motivation turns against me and becomes stress.  Once stress appears, I am thrown off kilter.  No matter how much passion I pour into a project I love, the deadline begins as a goal, becomes a foreboding monster and happens to leave as quietly as it came.  Then, I need to regroup.

 

The last deadline for the magazine was missed.  The deadline made me anxious and missing it made me more anxious.  By the time the printing company received the file, I was wound as tight as a twisted balloon.  I could feel the muscles in my neck straining as I double-checked small details.  My lower back cried for a steamroller to smooth out the tense patches.  I felt bothered, short tempered and like I wanted it just to end.

The people I work with could tell I was on edge.  Yet, they began to tell me how much they appreciated me.

My therapist reminded me to take a break.

May is National Mental Health Month.  This experience reminded me that without consistent breaks, the chances of someone becoming overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, and eventually hitting a brick wall are real.  The way we avoid stage 4 while managing our mental health is through regular maintenance.  We maintain our recovery by utilizing a group of tools like people supports, medication, exercise, therapy sessions and, good old “down time.”

Medical professionals are using this month to talk about helping people with mental illnesses before they become a danger to themselves or others – Stage 4.  As I scoured the internet for clues on what stages 1, 2 and 3 looked like, I gave up and decided to focus on my own well-being.  Maybe someone else can write about those other stages.  Instead, let’s see what a break can do to our consistent mental health maintenance.

The Benefits of Breaks:

1.       Restoration of inner stability – my insides stopped jumping around after I took a long, long walk.  I

Author: airdone

walked the whole day actually and capped the experience with a lakeside view of a communal pond.  (exhale)  I wrote a little bit about the mishaps and lessons from the latest printing of the magazine issue, while assessing my professional behavior in the heat of the moment.

   Drink in the world – I got to notice the world around me.  Cars zooming and zipping back and forth, a lady fishing in the pond, the grass needed to be cut in the park.  (Who cuts the grass in the park anyway?  That’s a lot of grass!)  My mind took a break and my eyes became the sensors that filled the reservoir of my empty soul.  I saw the ducks, the geese, dogs, park benches.  Then it hit me, me and the magazine team had done good work. 

3.       Breathe.  There is a huge, steep hill that leads to Farquhar Park from the west side.  I took a chance and mounted it.  My knees cried, my breath lagged and finally, I reached the top.  Forget doing the

Author: adam121

exercises at each station in the park, I needed to catch my breath.  But, I wasn’t angry about it.  It felt good to be out of breath and walking in the park with lumbered heavy footsteps and a heavy bag on my shoulder.  I didn’t have to be anywhere or do anything because I was on my own time.  I was taking a break!

4.       Fun.  I had the patience to sit in the company of my three grandchildren after that long walk.  I climbed into their play area, a section corralled off in the living room, and laid on the floor with ten-month old Shamar.  I’m not sure my presence mattered to him.  He just crawled around me and kept doing what he was doing -- exchanging one toy for another from his mouth to his hand. 

Lying on the floor and viewing the world from his perspective was so relaxing.

Then, my granddaughter (2 ½) and her older brother (4) decided to capture my cell phone when I tried to keep her pacifier.  They reminded me they were in control in their play area and I was a visitor.  I had the best laugh in days because I couldn’t catch them to get my phone back!

Later that night, my granddaughter joined me in my bed for a YouTube Play-Doh video.  Her bare feet glazed my legs as I lay lightly exhausted, but refreshed, in my bed.  I was reminiscing about my great, relaxing day.  I had the pleasure of detoxing many negative emotions and freeing my muscles from penned up frustration. 

My soul was internally restored to sanity.  I felt grateful, loved and stabilized.  My life has purpose, meaning and direction.  And in finding my purpose, I can also have balance.  It is good to take a break.  When is the last time you had one?