Believe: It is Your Choice

“…oppressed people feel as if fate is against them.” – Wafa Sultan, author of A God Who Hates

Oppression is revealed to different people in different ways.  The author of the book A God Who Hates reveals the oppression she witnessed and experienced as a woman in a Middle Eastern country.

It can be argued that people with a mental illness diagnosis, history of substance abuse or handicap (physical, financial, etc.) are experiencing oppression on a daily basis.  The old, “damn if you do, damned if you don’t” mentality can sit in your mind on top of any chances for hope to dwell there too.

There is a hope that our lives can improve, that our loved ones will heal from sickness, our illnesses will disappear, our addictions and disorders will improve.  But one lesson I am currently embracing is this:  I have to believe “it” can happen. 

Uncovering the false statements of my lifelong social environments and interactions has revealed a bed of lies that have dominated my thinking and behavior for many decades.  These lies and false beliefs are being addressed, one at a time, in a variety of healthier environments such as 12-step programs, church, therapy and one-on-one conversations with healthier, more balanced individuals. 

I am realizing that many words of encouragement were heard by me negatively.  Now, with more emotional and mental stability, I am able to make clearer decisions about who I will believe and what I will believe.

I will believe the report of the Lord. 

God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

God says I am the head and not the tail.

God says he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

In choosing to replace God’s Words and statements with the negative ones of old, I am equipping myself for a better day.  A brighter day.  The “woe is me” mentality is paused to consider something new.  I know I am not alone.

I often read some of the comments found on Facebook by mental health consumers and addicts around the globe.  We can be a pitiful lot.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone has heard of the Savior that can lead us into right thinking.  I suspect not. 

And with religion being such a “taboo” subject in so many arenas, what choice does a person really have?

Gratefully, 12-step programs, despite what critics say, are a great way for a person to create and build a relationship with a Power greater than themselves.  Since you get to name your Power, God is one of the names often chosen. 

In creating, building and sustaining the relationship with God, many people experience happier thoughts, brighter futures and a sense of peace within their soul.

Now, I am a third of fourth generation believer and I currently don’t have a whole lot of material things.  But one thing I can say, “I have peace.  I have a yearning to see a better future because I know God promises me more than what I currently can see today.”

Fate is against me.  I was against me.  When I cooperated with my own demons and refused to challenge my negative thoughts and behavior, I was at war with myself.  By slowly allowing other people to be used by God to encourage me and coach me and mentor me and pray for me, I am fighting myself less often and thinking negative less frequently.  I made a choice.

Will you?  Can you?  Choose to believe in the God that is greater than you and I.  Embrace God’s Word and what it says about you.

I don’t know who, if anyone, is reading my blog.  But I want, more than anything else in the world, is for the saddest, sickest people on earth to read these posts and feel hope, inspiration and a way out of their self-made or biological prisons. 

We do recover.  We do get better.  But we have to cooperate with God to reach that better place.  What choice will you make?  

Which came first: The addiction or Mental Illness?

Moving Closer to the Root Issues

After engaging for 20 years with the mental health industry, 12-step programs, drug/alcohol rehabs, faith communities and any other organizations interested in “helping” me, I have arrived at this conclusion:  the mental illness was first.

Now, please remember this disclaimer as you read this post:  I am not a medical doctor or licensed counselor.  I have not studied the human brain or examined how/why humans behave in a particular manner.  All I know is that when I reflect on my life, one thing seems clear:  I had anxiety first and then tried to soothe my pain with marijuana and cigarettes.

Believe it or not, I used to loathe cigarettes and marijuana.  I said I would never smoke cigarettes.  I hated their smell and it was illogical to me that someone would voluntarily hurt themselves.  Well, as fate would have it, my judgmental young mind had to live the experience firsthand.  And if it sounds like I am blaming fate, yes, I am. Because I do believe what comes around goes around.  

Certainly my rigid home environment contributed to my anxiety.  It is probably what ignited it.  I’m not blaming anyone here.  This is just the product of the social and historical environment of my African-American, middle-class upbringing.  My dad was, I believe, bipolar and very strict.  I was afraid of him and my mother, in a healthy way, and sought to please them at any cost. 

It was unreasonable to me to disobey their rules.  I completely bought the “follow the rules” commands of God and my parents.  It seemed logical that if I did right, I would get right.  Between Sunday School, Sunday morning worship and my Christian home environment, I caught the subliminal and overt messages delivered Sundays through Saturdays. 

The problem was, when I turned into a teenager, my dad would creatively find ways to keep me and my sister locked in the house all summer and forbid us to participate in normal teenage activities, behaviors and emotions:  reading magazines, teen dances, riding bikes into the city on the summer, crying over spilled milk, etc.

Nothing I did was ever good enough and, in my opinion and my sister’s, I was a “goody two shoes.”  (It’s true.  Ask her.)  I was afraid of my dad and afraid to break the rules and his word was the gospel and the law!

But I still managed to get in trouble. 

The first physical sign of my own psychological, internal trouble were ulcers.  Yes, I had ulcers at the age of 14.  One of the church ladies thought this was strange, odd and a bad sign.  I still remember the look on her face and her expression when I told her.  I don’t know why I opened up to her, but I did.  I knew something was wrong in our homestead.  I knew it in my gut.  But Daddy wouldn’t acquiesce to my pleas for family counseling.

On the back of my school bus, the older students smoked marijuana.  I still remember the look on my best friend’s face when I marched to her house and asked her for a cigarette and the following week began to smoke marijuana on the back of the bus.

In rehab, we are taught if a person’s mental illness is not treated, they will self-medicate (i.e. use illegal drugs to soothe the psyche). 

By the age of 16, for reasons yet to be discovered (medical, emotional, etc.), I tried to commit suicide.  I was not high on alcohol or drugs when I made the decision.  But I do remember being plagued with thoughts that no one loved me or wanted me.  Lies really.  My parents did love me and demonstrated it, at the very least, by providing a food, clothing and shelter.  They showed it in other ways too, but my mind didn’t see it that way.

That, to my recollection, is the only time I tried to kill myself without alcohol or drugs being a contributing factor.  So, I am inclined to believe that the mental illness manifests first, and then, left untreated, drug usage or some form of self-harm will follow.

Please note, I am not saying that everyone who uses drugs has a mental illness.  I do not profess to have that kind of authority or intellectual knowledge.  Certainly, some substance abusers begin their trek in an effort to fit in with their peers.  All I can do is share my experiences.

But, I would also like to know the thoughts of others.  Do you agree or disagree?  I would be interested in reading someone’s comments.

Be blessed,

M

Recovery Day of Prayer

Guidepost Magazine has chosen to focus today’s communication with God in lifting up prayers for those who struggle with addictions and manage their recovery.  The Addiction and Recovery Day of Prayer event utilizes Psalm 147:3 as its scriptural context.

            As I studied this Word, I was delighted to hear my spirit singing praises unto God for His goodness.  The psalmist wrote this kind of praise is beautiful and fitting.  And, since I am a person in recovery, praising God is very fitting and appropriate for deliverance from the bondage of addiction.  In fact, even in maintaining my deliverance by strategically remaining in the recovery process is worth praising God too! 

            It is excellent and appropriate to praise God when those who have been afflicted (broken hearted) are healed.  The inner heart does experience brokenness that is so deep and hurtful that some people turn to self-destructive addictions to cope with the pain, the trauma and their reality.  Oh, how deep pain can run.

            So we pray that the God who rebuilds, gathers and heals will restore and recover those who are broken.  We humbly ask God to heal the wounds of the afflicted by placing bandages and salve on their private, damage innermost places. 

Oh, God, only you know their unique pain.  You hear the specific sounds and words trapped in the tears and angry words of each star you have created. 

Please, as we lift up each star by name today, heal their secret and public wounds.  Help them gather together the disconnected pieces of their soul.  Guide them into safe places where they will find strong systems of support for their recovery.

            You, you alone have the unlimited strength to perform such great and marvelous acts.  In fact, your greatness is so incomprehensible to us that when we get to see fallen stars on their feet again, we are utterly amazed.

            Nevertheless, we will sing praises before, during and after we watch you miraculously deliver our loved ones from addiction.  We know we can depend on your supernatural strength to reclaim those that are lost and make firm their footsteps.

            In Jesus’ name we pray…Amen!