The Courage to say, "I Can't"

Allowing God’s Strength to Work when We’re Weak

                It took almost a full week for me to begin processing the suicide of actor Robin Williams.  The unexpected news of his death was initially revealed to me while perusing a Facebook page dedicated to support mental health consumers. 

When the news report referred to his severe depression, I immediately understood how he lost the battle raging inside his head.  Why?  Because at the time of his death, I had been three days into battling my own thoughts of suicide.

                In fact, about five hours before I read the news about Williams, I had posted on Facebook, “I need help.”

                Why, some may wonder, had I made a public declaration of weakness?  Because I live alone and have few, few contacts with people.  My work as a freelance writer and my past “bad” actions keep me isolated in this small community. 

                I made the public declaration of weakness because somewhere deep inside my mind I believe my life was intended, planned and can be of some good use to someone.  (Hope?)  Maybe I don’t kill myself because I’m giving God a chance to prove God’s Word is true for me too.  J

But, I also decided to take this step because I had just left the pharmacy with a “new” prescription for an anti-depressant.  I felt overwhelmed, hopeless, worthless, weepy and sorry for myself – all classic signs of depression.  The one hour bus ride home did not help.  

                I took some medication and prepared to take a nap.  But for all the prayers I had said on my own, I felt it best to ask others to help me pray for me.  Now, scientifically, we can’t prove that their prayers helped. 

But, it is in my best interest to believe that God hears prayer and answers.  What other real hope is there in life? Evidence of God answering the prayers of those who prayed was proven to me by my sense of feeling better when I awakened two hours later.  Naysayers might say, “It was the medicine.  It was because you got some rest.”  Believe what you will.

                I KNOW my relationship with God has sustains my life.  This relationship keeps me alive.  In my opinion, religion is external behaviors confirming our belief in God.  Spirituality is an internal, private relationship with God evidenced by a personal commitment to live out/walk out the Word in daily life.

                So, when the Apostle Paul prayed and asked God to remove his weakness, God said, “My kindness is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.” (2 Cor. 12:9 CEV)  Then Paul said, “So if Christ keeps giving me his power, I will gladly brag about how weak I am.”

                I felt so weak Monday.  Those suicidal thoughts and the heaviness in my heart and mind regarding my life are part of the internal atmosphere that works against me.  But, if I FIGHT to remember better days and look at life through the lens of a clear set of glasses, there is evidence that my life means something.  There is proof that I am worthy of God’s love, grace and attention.  But depression works really hard to steal those truths from my sense of self-awareness. 

                I cooperate with God when I refuse to allow those thoughts to steal my life.  Leaning on God and obeying God’s instructions/suggestions are what keep me alive.  (And, yes, I believe God instructs me to take medication and participate in therapy sessions.)  God said, “Ask for help on Facebook.”  I said, “Ok.  It certainly can’t get worse than this.” 

                Two hours later, I felt better.  Four hours later I discovered Robin Williams was dead. 

                I can’t.  God can.  I prefer to let God help me because when I am weak, God is so, so strong.

Be blessed,

Mystic Michelle

Barriers to Self-Acceptance

                Years of self-rejection make it interesting, if not impossible, to understand the multiple layers of mental fatigue trapped inside the mind.  Does anyone ask themselves, “Why and when did loving me become unacceptable?  How much value do I place on my worth?  Do I place any value on my own existence beyond a nice outfit or a vehicle to transport my body?”

                A few musings on the subject made me realize, the same barriers to self-acceptance that were in operation my whole life, are still at work today.  The exception is, I won’t be distracted.  Most of my time, energy and resources were spent getting others to like me, when in reality, nothing I did, said or thought was good enough for others, or more importantly, good enough for me.  Is this true for you too? 

                Although I said I wanted to please God, I often rarely consulted God’s guidance when I found myself out of balance while performing too many tasks and fulfilling a lot of responsibilities.

Review this list of barriers to self-acceptance and let me know if any apply to you:

1.       Focused on Pleasing Others.  Accepting myself was next to impossible because my focus was always on others.  I had to please others, my form of loving others, no matter what.  My major concerns were, did I say the right thing, did I do enough favors for you, did I use a lot of my resources to solve your problems while ignoring my own needs?  In the end, these people-pleasing acts left me a shell of a person without any hope for the future.

2.       Beating myself up.  This used to be a favorite pastime of mine.  Constant battering of my own mind, body and soul as if I could mentally bash myself into this ever-elusive place called self-acceptance.  I never did anything right unless I had the approval of others.

3.     Perfectionism.  I think this is the mother of all barriers to self-acceptance.  My own inability to accept my imperfections led to me trying to become error free and blame free.  Now I know, this was an impossible expectation I placed on myself.

Basically, these behaviors and mindsets were a recipe for a few negative conditions known as depression and substance abuse.  My inability to take care of me, for me, caused me to give of myself in ways that really were not available.

Thank God I have learned a few new tools to help me learn how to like me and accept me.  Is this true for you too?  Please, share your thoughts below.