Why I Tried to Quit Smoking…AGAIN!

        Harm.  My life is a tangible example of self-abuse and self-harm.  This was the reality I had to face when my doctor, yet again, suggested I quit smoking because of the condition of my lungs.  What I really wanted was some medicine to continue my cycle of abuse.  He refused to oblige my request. 

                Now what was I going to do?

                I really had to ask myself that question and I actually expected a response.  Anyone who knows me knows the response had to be reasonable, logical and part of the solution as it related to my physical and mental health.

                So, I made a decision.  Since I could not logically rationalize smoking until the bitter end of its consequences – death, I decided to quit, yet again!  But, this time I would prepare in ways I had never done before. 

My behavior was killing me

I started smoking cigarettes because I was hopeless.  At the age of 14, I always told my friends that smoking was a horrible habit that just didn’t make sense to me.  I swore I would never do it. 

But, there was a disconnect in my life.  As a child, I was taught to do the right thing, follow my parents rules’ and good rewards would be the result.  So, I did the right thing, strived to live up to their expectations and every summer ended up on punishment.  I always ended up in trouble. 

What I didn’t understand was my father was afraid to let his daughters grow up.  So to protect us from the world, he decided to keep us locked and confined to the family neighborhood in hopes of shielding us from society.  My adult mind discovered the harm of this behavior in therapy.  Yet, the mind of a child struggled to make sense of the injustice.

My parents loved me, but my dad had a dysfunctional form of parenting that, in the end, left me hopeless in addition to powerless.  The only thing I could do was turn my anger at the injustice of his decisions onto myself.  So, I marched up to my then best friend, told her to give me a cigarette, and after a brief justification of my irrational thought process, she obliged.

History of Quitting

Honestly, I have probably successfully quit five times.  I have probably tried to quit, without any good results, 1,000 times.  When the nicotine patch came out, I initially was not allergic to the patches.  But, as fate would have it, I developed an allergy after I kept trying to quit using that method and never quite reached the goal.  Smoking cessation classes and prayer and meditation and people to partner with as I ran to reach the goal all proved that I could, at any given moment, return to hurting myself one cigarette at a time.  And, I always did.

The Abuse Stops Now!

In 2013, I told myself I was going to quit smoking.  My quit date would be December 31, 2014. 

In that year, my goal was to understand three things: 

1) Why I had committed so much of my life to harming myself;

2) Could I ever view myself as worthy of a healthy lifestyle of behaviors and practices towards myself; and

3) What did I need to do to be successful this time because this time was all about success!

The Results of my Labor

Why must you harm yourself, Michelle?  Because I believed the lies.  Society has taught me and several generations before me through slavery and internalized racism that I am not good enough.  All messages pointed to me being too black, too smart, too ugly, too unfriendly, too something that wasn’t good enough to treat myself good.  Being a female was a curse, being smart was a crime, being an addict was a stigma – I have a list of reasons why I hurt myself because I believed I was not good enough. 

But, I refuse to keep using those reasons to define who I am and who I want to become.

Can I change my self-perception?  Yes, I can.  I spent a year telling myself I deserved to be healthy just like the next person.  I embraced every compliment my little girl said to me and I believed, deep in my heart, that I loved me!  I became worthy and valuable to myself and had a list of reasons, in my head, why I was valuable to me.

Can I really become a non-smoker?  Yes.  What can I do?  Use my head.  As I reflected on every time I ever quit smoking, I examined what worked and what didn’t work.  This meant, when I am standing near someone who is smoking and it smells good, don’t stand there and enjoy the poisonous smell.  Move away.  Tell myself the scent will not draw me back into harming myself one cigarette at a time.

What didn’t work?  Believing the lie I can smoke just one cigarette.  One is too many and a thousand never enough.  I cannot smoke one cigarette today.  Or tomorrow.  I have an addictive personality.  My life proves it.  I can’t do one of anything (except maybe eat one okra).

Cold turkey.  Oh my goodness.  In my opinion, that is just a painful way to get off the sauce.  So, since the patches, gum and lozenges don’t work, Wellbutrin is a med that might interact with some I already take, I will try the e-cig.  On one condition:  I will not puff the e-cig every time I feel like smoking.  I am not trading one cig for another.  I am weaning out of this life of self-harm.

I’m six days into my solution.  On January 3, 2015, I smoked my last cigarette at about 12 noon.  I am a non-smoker.  I care about me.  The desire to smoke is not overwhelming to me this time.  Something is different.  Maybe it is that I finally care enough about me to not make a conscious decision to harm me. 

Today, I live like I care about my future.  I can and will prove to myself that I don’t have to hurt myself in order to prove I am alive. 

Peace.

The Christmas Present I Never want again!

Proper Representation of Christ in Spite of…

Irritating.  Ever experience being completely powerless over coughing spells, headaches and unexpected body chills.  Yes, this present, a derivative of a cold/flu, was delivered right before Christmas and was unwelcomed, confusing and left no inclination as to how long it would be around.

At first awareness, I assumed this cold would be easy enough to get rid of.  But then, reality quickly set in when I realized the coughing spells hurt and did not produce anything but a sorer throat.  Oh my, what was I to do?

My grandchildren, mother and other family members were about to be exposed to these unwelcomed germs.  Not to mention, there was no way for me to safeguard myself from trekking out into the cold weather to do last-minute food and gift selections.  Crap.  It was gonna be a bitter-sweet Christmas.  Then, I got the best news ever – I would have to do my personal banking too.  No direct deposit for me this week.  Nope.  Another reason to venture out into the cold.

While I struggled to find the joy in Christmas and regain a sense of peace within my soul, I sought the Lord, and He heard my cry. 

I said, “Father, I do not feel spiritual, happy or optimistic about anything since I don’t feel good.  Please help me to put this all in perspective.”  The response was to call my sponsor.  Simple enough.

After the normal split-second wrestle with the thought that she was too busy for my concerns, I dialed her number anyway.  I could hear her grandchildren playing in the background as I fumbled to greet her with my splitting headache.  She soon found a quiet space to sit and listen to my concerns and share her wisdom. 

Whew.  This Christmas doesn’t have to be a disaster after all.  I can do two things:  manage myself properly and practice the spiritual principles.  By remembering I am responsible for what I say and do, no matter how I FEEL, I can rest, attend one or two family gatherings and practice kindness, patience and a few other spiritual principles.

All will be well.

So, although I don’t want another cold on Christmas, I did have a chance to practice rising above my emotions (anxiety/worry), psychological heaviness, physical impairments and financial concerns to demonstrate love, patience and kindness towards, and with, those I love.  Next time I will do better.  This time, I did okay.  There’s always room for improvement.  J

Peace & Merry Christmas

Adventures in Mental Health Advocacy: Connected to Our Kin

Years ago, a family member, by marriage, was being mistreated and shunned.  What bothered me about the family’s response to his mental illness was:

1.       The family had known for decades something was different about this person;

2.       The family chose to shun him into “correct” behavior;

3.       The family was very vocal and judgmental about the misgivings and shortcomings of other people in general while completely blind to their own faults; and

4.       The family was unable to see and understand the magnitude of the harm they were causing to their loved one.

I was so bothered by their behavior that I spoke up.  I asked them, “How dare you not help him?  You have always known something was different about him.”  Especially when I began to understand this family knew of his illness when he was only 8 years old. 

This family’s truth is a psychiatrist prophesied the patient would end up in one of three places – jail, homeless or dead.  When I met him, he has visited the first two places and, by God’s grace, was still alive and in his 30’s.

Before I spoke up, the family had ceased offering emotional, financial or physical support.  Most of the time, no one knew where he was for months at a time.  And when he did reappear, his living arrangements involved abandoned houses, shelters or some woman who was quickly growing tired of him.  His body might even reflected a new set of scars from his latest attempts at self-harm.

Little did I know, in advocating for him, I was standing up for myself.  In the journey of his life, he now has stable housing, a source of income and his mental illness.  But, he is also in counseling.

This above family member is/was connected to me by marriage.  Although that marriage has ended, I still hold a special place in my heart for this man. 

In fact, I spoke him a few times while visiting my counseling agency.  He said to me, “You know, I want to tell you something.  I was able to address my mental health problems because you were so open about yours.”

Today, I wonder if he ever experienced the inner rage I felt for my family not being more proactive in assisting me with my emotional dysfunctions.  I understand, in reflection, why he would talk to his family in angry, aggressive tones sometimes.  Granted, I’m not a therapist but I bet he felt alone in the world.  That feeling of being alone in the world is enough to make anyone angry because of the underlying fear. 

Then to admit to yourself that the people who brought you into the world and have blood ties to you are unwilling to TRY and understand your dysfunctions is difficult to accept too.  If their lack of support has stemmed over a season of decades, the pain is even stronger. 

As the mental health patient begins to understand the labels and symptoms associated with past behaviors, and the warning signals they displayed, anger towards the family for “not knowing” and “not helping” is probably common.

For those of us with mental health issues, our families have a lot of shame.  This is the only disease that brings about a large sense of shame and embarrassment within the family unit.  They deal with the matter by remaining in denial about our sickness, blaming the patient and believing he/she should “know better.”  The family’s choice to remain angry at the consumer, who typically cannot help

themselves because they aren’t even living in their own reality, is not a solution.  Remaining silent and ignoring the problem in the hopes that it will go away is not the solution either. 

Who tries to help find a solution?  Any solution for the family unit that is suffering as a whole?

In this adventure of advocacy, I believe everyone can participate in the solution.  My part is to share my personal story.  I have to reveal to the world what it is like knowing I have mental health issues, what it is like realizing I have been sick for a long time without any self-awareness and how I began to chart a path toward personal healing.  Sharing with others, even if it is one person at a time, what it is like taking medication, how I felt as a result of my family’s response to my mental health and the ways I monitor myself and my behavior can only help. 

Another solution is for family members to begin listening.  Breathe, listen and listen some more.  Reflect.  Be honest about the past.  Then, gather information for many resources about how to assist, support or, at the very least, not be a part of the problem anymore.

My hope is that others will see how they can help their kindred instead of ignoring the problem and remaining silent. 

The human voice is so powerful.  Already, in one-on-one conversations I have been able to share with non-mental health consumers what their family members are experiencing as they spiral downward into depression or race fast forward towards a brick wall.  I encourage others to help their loved ones, recognize their bizarre and often strange calls for help and to not look for someone to blame. 

What the mental health consumer needs is support.  And, sometimes that looks like tough love – in order to protect themselves and others from harm.  There is a solution for our dilemma.  And if we could all move past the shame, both the family and the mental health consumer can recover.

Believe: It is Your Choice

“…oppressed people feel as if fate is against them.” – Wafa Sultan, author of A God Who Hates

Oppression is revealed to different people in different ways.  The author of the book A God Who Hates reveals the oppression she witnessed and experienced as a woman in a Middle Eastern country.

It can be argued that people with a mental illness diagnosis, history of substance abuse or handicap (physical, financial, etc.) are experiencing oppression on a daily basis.  The old, “damn if you do, damned if you don’t” mentality can sit in your mind on top of any chances for hope to dwell there too.

There is a hope that our lives can improve, that our loved ones will heal from sickness, our illnesses will disappear, our addictions and disorders will improve.  But one lesson I am currently embracing is this:  I have to believe “it” can happen. 

Uncovering the false statements of my lifelong social environments and interactions has revealed a bed of lies that have dominated my thinking and behavior for many decades.  These lies and false beliefs are being addressed, one at a time, in a variety of healthier environments such as 12-step programs, church, therapy and one-on-one conversations with healthier, more balanced individuals. 

I am realizing that many words of encouragement were heard by me negatively.  Now, with more emotional and mental stability, I am able to make clearer decisions about who I will believe and what I will believe.

I will believe the report of the Lord. 

God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

God says I am the head and not the tail.

God says he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

In choosing to replace God’s Words and statements with the negative ones of old, I am equipping myself for a better day.  A brighter day.  The “woe is me” mentality is paused to consider something new.  I know I am not alone.

I often read some of the comments found on Facebook by mental health consumers and addicts around the globe.  We can be a pitiful lot.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone has heard of the Savior that can lead us into right thinking.  I suspect not. 

And with religion being such a “taboo” subject in so many arenas, what choice does a person really have?

Gratefully, 12-step programs, despite what critics say, are a great way for a person to create and build a relationship with a Power greater than themselves.  Since you get to name your Power, God is one of the names often chosen. 

In creating, building and sustaining the relationship with God, many people experience happier thoughts, brighter futures and a sense of peace within their soul.

Now, I am a third of fourth generation believer and I currently don’t have a whole lot of material things.  But one thing I can say, “I have peace.  I have a yearning to see a better future because I know God promises me more than what I currently can see today.”

Fate is against me.  I was against me.  When I cooperated with my own demons and refused to challenge my negative thoughts and behavior, I was at war with myself.  By slowly allowing other people to be used by God to encourage me and coach me and mentor me and pray for me, I am fighting myself less often and thinking negative less frequently.  I made a choice.

Will you?  Can you?  Choose to believe in the God that is greater than you and I.  Embrace God’s Word and what it says about you.

I don’t know who, if anyone, is reading my blog.  But I want, more than anything else in the world, is for the saddest, sickest people on earth to read these posts and feel hope, inspiration and a way out of their self-made or biological prisons. 

We do recover.  We do get better.  But we have to cooperate with God to reach that better place.  What choice will you make?  

Which came first: The addiction or Mental Illness?

Moving Closer to the Root Issues

After engaging for 20 years with the mental health industry, 12-step programs, drug/alcohol rehabs, faith communities and any other organizations interested in “helping” me, I have arrived at this conclusion:  the mental illness was first.

Now, please remember this disclaimer as you read this post:  I am not a medical doctor or licensed counselor.  I have not studied the human brain or examined how/why humans behave in a particular manner.  All I know is that when I reflect on my life, one thing seems clear:  I had anxiety first and then tried to soothe my pain with marijuana and cigarettes.

Believe it or not, I used to loathe cigarettes and marijuana.  I said I would never smoke cigarettes.  I hated their smell and it was illogical to me that someone would voluntarily hurt themselves.  Well, as fate would have it, my judgmental young mind had to live the experience firsthand.  And if it sounds like I am blaming fate, yes, I am. Because I do believe what comes around goes around.  

Certainly my rigid home environment contributed to my anxiety.  It is probably what ignited it.  I’m not blaming anyone here.  This is just the product of the social and historical environment of my African-American, middle-class upbringing.  My dad was, I believe, bipolar and very strict.  I was afraid of him and my mother, in a healthy way, and sought to please them at any cost. 

It was unreasonable to me to disobey their rules.  I completely bought the “follow the rules” commands of God and my parents.  It seemed logical that if I did right, I would get right.  Between Sunday School, Sunday morning worship and my Christian home environment, I caught the subliminal and overt messages delivered Sundays through Saturdays. 

The problem was, when I turned into a teenager, my dad would creatively find ways to keep me and my sister locked in the house all summer and forbid us to participate in normal teenage activities, behaviors and emotions:  reading magazines, teen dances, riding bikes into the city on the summer, crying over spilled milk, etc.

Nothing I did was ever good enough and, in my opinion and my sister’s, I was a “goody two shoes.”  (It’s true.  Ask her.)  I was afraid of my dad and afraid to break the rules and his word was the gospel and the law!

But I still managed to get in trouble. 

The first physical sign of my own psychological, internal trouble were ulcers.  Yes, I had ulcers at the age of 14.  One of the church ladies thought this was strange, odd and a bad sign.  I still remember the look on her face and her expression when I told her.  I don’t know why I opened up to her, but I did.  I knew something was wrong in our homestead.  I knew it in my gut.  But Daddy wouldn’t acquiesce to my pleas for family counseling.

On the back of my school bus, the older students smoked marijuana.  I still remember the look on my best friend’s face when I marched to her house and asked her for a cigarette and the following week began to smoke marijuana on the back of the bus.

In rehab, we are taught if a person’s mental illness is not treated, they will self-medicate (i.e. use illegal drugs to soothe the psyche). 

By the age of 16, for reasons yet to be discovered (medical, emotional, etc.), I tried to commit suicide.  I was not high on alcohol or drugs when I made the decision.  But I do remember being plagued with thoughts that no one loved me or wanted me.  Lies really.  My parents did love me and demonstrated it, at the very least, by providing a food, clothing and shelter.  They showed it in other ways too, but my mind didn’t see it that way.

That, to my recollection, is the only time I tried to kill myself without alcohol or drugs being a contributing factor.  So, I am inclined to believe that the mental illness manifests first, and then, left untreated, drug usage or some form of self-harm will follow.

Please note, I am not saying that everyone who uses drugs has a mental illness.  I do not profess to have that kind of authority or intellectual knowledge.  Certainly, some substance abusers begin their trek in an effort to fit in with their peers.  All I can do is share my experiences.

But, I would also like to know the thoughts of others.  Do you agree or disagree?  I would be interested in reading someone’s comments.

Be blessed,

M

How to Live the Good Life

Emotional Health is a Biblical and Secular Concept

3 John 1:2

Theological terms such as mind, body, soul and spirit can leave us confused as to which one refers to our emotional well-being.  After careful research, here is what I found:

3 John 1:2 reads that the writer is praying for his friend’s body to be as healthy as his soul.  There is an assumption in this text that the soul (feelings, will, desires for power, sex and satisfaction) is as healthy as the body.  In fact, the reference is to the person being holistically viewed and not just from a spiritual, “yes, you need salvation from sin” perspective.

We make the same assumptions today.  If someone looks good on the outside, they must be well internally.  However, all that external glitz and glam can also be a cover-up for internal shame, impulsive buying behavior and/or creative ways of avoiding self.

This week the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration honors National Wellness Week.  Twellness covers eight areas of a person’s life:  emotional, occupational, financial, spiritual, physical, social, intellectual and environmental.  Their belief is that a person enjoys overall a healthier life (socially and physically) when they experience wellness in each of these areas.

his agency believes

This does not mean we won’t struggle to feel good sometimes.  There are plenty biblical examples of temporary depression and anxiety.  David, Job and Jeremiah all cried out to God, in written form, to express their sorry, despair, lack of lust for life and other emotional down points to the God of their understanding. 

They knew God would listen.  They also knew God would comfort. These examples are proof that humanity needs emotional care too.  They prove we can trust God, believe in God and still be sad and troubled sometimes.

In the African-American church, it is common for parishioners to seek emotional support from pastors instead of psychiatrists or psychologists.  In a world that advertises more and more attention on the emotional well-being of individuals, how has the church approached this subject?  Anxiety, depression and other emotional maladies can restrict a person’s ability to properly process and handle a variety of life circumstances.  The Michael Brown incident in Ferguson, Missouri is just once example of how external circumstances can throw a person into a season of anxiety and/or sadness.

Can the church provide support and comfort too?  Not just on Sunday mornings but through the week?  Is it willing to employ and secure trained counselors, psychologists and/or therapists to help diagnose and guide people into a healthier place emotionally?

Interestingly enough, that the historical context of 3 John references how Christian love is demonstrated.  The writer states it is through hospitality and support – putting the needs of others before one’s own needs – as a true reflection of Christ’s love demonstrated on the cross.

Yet, often when an emotional despondent person presents in the worship experience, church leaders want to immediately usher them into healing versus addressing the emotional issue itself.  Is it possible this particular individual has a history of depression or being anxious about small things?  If so, what has the person done in the past to secure more self-control in their lives?  Have they seen a therapist?  Have they tried medication?  Have they tried changing their personal home environment to establish a more safe and secure physical existence?

Maybe one of the reasons believers can’t prosper in their financial situation is because they haven’t addressed their emotional response to living itself.  Impulsive behavior, a by-product of anxiety, leads to financial instability and, for some people, unexpected trips to jail.  If anyone impulsively buys clothes or hits someone who makes them angry, these are the consequences to their actions.

Stable living is a byproduct of a healthy life.  Yes, this includes an emotionally healthy life too.  In 3 John 1:3, the writer says he is proud his friend’s life “stays clean and true and continues to live by the standards of the Gospel.”  But, his friend is able to do so because he takes care of himself mind, body, soul and spirit.

A successful recovery, a stable life is built on a solid, healthy internal foundation.  The eight areas of SAMHA are one view.  The biblical perspective is another.  But the truth remains, you can’t build a brick house on quicksand. 

Achieving a sense of balance and wellness begins with stable emotions, good health and sound decision making practices.  Most likely, the more support a person has socially, the more successful they are to achieve wellness in all areas of their life.

Self-care and Suicide Prevention

A few ways we can prevent our own Suicide

We don’t hear enough people talking about their personal, private struggle to manage suicidal thoughts.  But, in light of this being Suicide Prevention Week, it seems appropriate for me to be transparent.  In fact, this self-disclosure may encourage someone else to reach a deeper level of self-acceptance.

Our society embraces the idea of managing loneliness.  On the other hand, in some communities, society tries to save us or deliver us from depression and suicidal thoughts.  My experience reveals learning how to manage the suicidal thoughts that randomly present themselves in my head, has helped me preserve my life and stabilize me within the context of self-care and wellness.

Suicidal thoughts don’t discriminate.  A person’s background or pedigree is of no importance to these thoughts of self-destruction.  My first set of thoughts appeared around the age of 15.  And, being a mental health consumer (i.e. a person who manages and addresses their mental illness), I have learned that honest acceptance of my mental health condition allows me to move towards a solution rather than staying in the problem (i.e. tortured by suicidal thoughts, defeated by depression and/or agitated by anxiety).

Here are a few ways I manage my mental health, which includes those infrequent, unexpected suicidal thoughts:

Honestly admit the thoughts occur. No matter how frequent or rare, if your brain is built like mine, the suicidal thoughts will occur and re-occur whenever they want.  I have learned that I might not be able to control when or why the thoughts that come into my head, but I can certainly control how I respond to them.

Develop and practice open-mindedness.  There are alternative ways to dealing with suicidal thoughts rather than just giving in.  This is what I call “the fight.”  For some people it is a daily struggle to fight the thoughts.  For other people, the thoughts may come in seasons.  Whatever the case, approaching our lot in life with an open mind as it relates to treatment is a good starting place. 

Considering attending therapy, taking medication (traditional or herbal), practicing your spirituality and any other forms of healthy treatment are ways we demonstrate self-love and self-care.  There are alternative solutions to managing suicidal thoughts that do not involve trying to kill oneself by abusing drugs or attempting to end one’s life.

Become Willing.  Being willing to talk to someone is a great idea.  Hopefully, the person chosen is willing to listen and help guide you into a solution that doesn’t involve shaming you for your condition.  Also, having a safe haven for rough days is a good idea.  My safe haven is my bed.  If I get hit with an episode of suicidal thoughts, I encourage myself to get home and get in my bed!  This allows me to hold on until the rough moments pass and I can talk to someone, have a change made to my medication or both. 

I have a few rules I follow so that when the thoughts come, I know they can’t succeed.  I cry, tell them to shut up, talk to my therapist, lay in bed and watch movies, listen to sermons, the list goes on.  There are alternative ways to deal with the problem.

5.     

            Pray.  People often fail, but God never does.  Saying, “God help me” is the simplest prayer I know.  And, as my thoughts to self-harm dissipate, I am grateful for the moment’s reprieve.

           Enter into a covenant/contract with yourself.  Biblically, covenants are initiated by God and God alone.  So, I have a contract, an agreement, if you will, with myself.  I will not try to kill myself.  (I personally think it is a waste of time to try but that is another topic.)  Past attempts have been unsuccessful, I always felt worse after I failed and I must be here for a reason, so why not just hold on and see what the end results will be?  I realize this isn’t logical thinking for some people, but it is the way I manage my depression and suicidal thoughts instead of allowing them to manage me.

Gratitude list.  I am not a fan of gratitude lists because my mind enjoys thinking “poor me” thoughts.  But, my recovery is my responsibility.  So, the way I recover from depression and suicidal thoughts is I find something, anything, for which to be grateful.  Some of my simplest gratitude lists are the funniest ones, but they keep me from harming myself in that moment.  And, I believe, that makes God proud.

Being suicidal is embarrassing to admit.  The shame about having suicidal thoughts succeeds when we choose to suffer in silence.  Acting out on these thoughts is always depressing and demeaning.  The truth is, the thoughts will pass and eventually go away.  Bad days are bad days and their alternative, good days, come and go too. 

So, my suggestion is this:  “Let’s hold on to life and see what else it has to bring.  After all, it can’t be worse than managing suicidal thoughts.”  J

Be blessed,

M