Believe: It is Your Choice

“…oppressed people feel as if fate is against them.” – Wafa Sultan, author of A God Who Hates

Oppression is revealed to different people in different ways.  The author of the book A God Who Hates reveals the oppression she witnessed and experienced as a woman in a Middle Eastern country.

It can be argued that people with a mental illness diagnosis, history of substance abuse or handicap (physical, financial, etc.) are experiencing oppression on a daily basis.  The old, “damn if you do, damned if you don’t” mentality can sit in your mind on top of any chances for hope to dwell there too.

There is a hope that our lives can improve, that our loved ones will heal from sickness, our illnesses will disappear, our addictions and disorders will improve.  But one lesson I am currently embracing is this:  I have to believe “it” can happen. 

Uncovering the false statements of my lifelong social environments and interactions has revealed a bed of lies that have dominated my thinking and behavior for many decades.  These lies and false beliefs are being addressed, one at a time, in a variety of healthier environments such as 12-step programs, church, therapy and one-on-one conversations with healthier, more balanced individuals. 

I am realizing that many words of encouragement were heard by me negatively.  Now, with more emotional and mental stability, I am able to make clearer decisions about who I will believe and what I will believe.

I will believe the report of the Lord. 

God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

God says I am the head and not the tail.

God says he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

In choosing to replace God’s Words and statements with the negative ones of old, I am equipping myself for a better day.  A brighter day.  The “woe is me” mentality is paused to consider something new.  I know I am not alone.

I often read some of the comments found on Facebook by mental health consumers and addicts around the globe.  We can be a pitiful lot.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone has heard of the Savior that can lead us into right thinking.  I suspect not. 

And with religion being such a “taboo” subject in so many arenas, what choice does a person really have?

Gratefully, 12-step programs, despite what critics say, are a great way for a person to create and build a relationship with a Power greater than themselves.  Since you get to name your Power, God is one of the names often chosen. 

In creating, building and sustaining the relationship with God, many people experience happier thoughts, brighter futures and a sense of peace within their soul.

Now, I am a third of fourth generation believer and I currently don’t have a whole lot of material things.  But one thing I can say, “I have peace.  I have a yearning to see a better future because I know God promises me more than what I currently can see today.”

Fate is against me.  I was against me.  When I cooperated with my own demons and refused to challenge my negative thoughts and behavior, I was at war with myself.  By slowly allowing other people to be used by God to encourage me and coach me and mentor me and pray for me, I am fighting myself less often and thinking negative less frequently.  I made a choice.

Will you?  Can you?  Choose to believe in the God that is greater than you and I.  Embrace God’s Word and what it says about you.

I don’t know who, if anyone, is reading my blog.  But I want, more than anything else in the world, is for the saddest, sickest people on earth to read these posts and feel hope, inspiration and a way out of their self-made or biological prisons. 

We do recover.  We do get better.  But we have to cooperate with God to reach that better place.  What choice will you make?  

Which came first: The addiction or Mental Illness?

Moving Closer to the Root Issues

After engaging for 20 years with the mental health industry, 12-step programs, drug/alcohol rehabs, faith communities and any other organizations interested in “helping” me, I have arrived at this conclusion:  the mental illness was first.

Now, please remember this disclaimer as you read this post:  I am not a medical doctor or licensed counselor.  I have not studied the human brain or examined how/why humans behave in a particular manner.  All I know is that when I reflect on my life, one thing seems clear:  I had anxiety first and then tried to soothe my pain with marijuana and cigarettes.

Believe it or not, I used to loathe cigarettes and marijuana.  I said I would never smoke cigarettes.  I hated their smell and it was illogical to me that someone would voluntarily hurt themselves.  Well, as fate would have it, my judgmental young mind had to live the experience firsthand.  And if it sounds like I am blaming fate, yes, I am. Because I do believe what comes around goes around.  

Certainly my rigid home environment contributed to my anxiety.  It is probably what ignited it.  I’m not blaming anyone here.  This is just the product of the social and historical environment of my African-American, middle-class upbringing.  My dad was, I believe, bipolar and very strict.  I was afraid of him and my mother, in a healthy way, and sought to please them at any cost. 

It was unreasonable to me to disobey their rules.  I completely bought the “follow the rules” commands of God and my parents.  It seemed logical that if I did right, I would get right.  Between Sunday School, Sunday morning worship and my Christian home environment, I caught the subliminal and overt messages delivered Sundays through Saturdays. 

The problem was, when I turned into a teenager, my dad would creatively find ways to keep me and my sister locked in the house all summer and forbid us to participate in normal teenage activities, behaviors and emotions:  reading magazines, teen dances, riding bikes into the city on the summer, crying over spilled milk, etc.

Nothing I did was ever good enough and, in my opinion and my sister’s, I was a “goody two shoes.”  (It’s true.  Ask her.)  I was afraid of my dad and afraid to break the rules and his word was the gospel and the law!

But I still managed to get in trouble. 

The first physical sign of my own psychological, internal trouble were ulcers.  Yes, I had ulcers at the age of 14.  One of the church ladies thought this was strange, odd and a bad sign.  I still remember the look on her face and her expression when I told her.  I don’t know why I opened up to her, but I did.  I knew something was wrong in our homestead.  I knew it in my gut.  But Daddy wouldn’t acquiesce to my pleas for family counseling.

On the back of my school bus, the older students smoked marijuana.  I still remember the look on my best friend’s face when I marched to her house and asked her for a cigarette and the following week began to smoke marijuana on the back of the bus.

In rehab, we are taught if a person’s mental illness is not treated, they will self-medicate (i.e. use illegal drugs to soothe the psyche). 

By the age of 16, for reasons yet to be discovered (medical, emotional, etc.), I tried to commit suicide.  I was not high on alcohol or drugs when I made the decision.  But I do remember being plagued with thoughts that no one loved me or wanted me.  Lies really.  My parents did love me and demonstrated it, at the very least, by providing a food, clothing and shelter.  They showed it in other ways too, but my mind didn’t see it that way.

That, to my recollection, is the only time I tried to kill myself without alcohol or drugs being a contributing factor.  So, I am inclined to believe that the mental illness manifests first, and then, left untreated, drug usage or some form of self-harm will follow.

Please note, I am not saying that everyone who uses drugs has a mental illness.  I do not profess to have that kind of authority or intellectual knowledge.  Certainly, some substance abusers begin their trek in an effort to fit in with their peers.  All I can do is share my experiences.

But, I would also like to know the thoughts of others.  Do you agree or disagree?  I would be interested in reading someone’s comments.

Be blessed,

M

How to Live the Good Life

Emotional Health is a Biblical and Secular Concept

3 John 1:2

Theological terms such as mind, body, soul and spirit can leave us confused as to which one refers to our emotional well-being.  After careful research, here is what I found:

3 John 1:2 reads that the writer is praying for his friend’s body to be as healthy as his soul.  There is an assumption in this text that the soul (feelings, will, desires for power, sex and satisfaction) is as healthy as the body.  In fact, the reference is to the person being holistically viewed and not just from a spiritual, “yes, you need salvation from sin” perspective.

We make the same assumptions today.  If someone looks good on the outside, they must be well internally.  However, all that external glitz and glam can also be a cover-up for internal shame, impulsive buying behavior and/or creative ways of avoiding self.

This week the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration honors National Wellness Week.  Twellness covers eight areas of a person’s life:  emotional, occupational, financial, spiritual, physical, social, intellectual and environmental.  Their belief is that a person enjoys overall a healthier life (socially and physically) when they experience wellness in each of these areas.

his agency believes

This does not mean we won’t struggle to feel good sometimes.  There are plenty biblical examples of temporary depression and anxiety.  David, Job and Jeremiah all cried out to God, in written form, to express their sorry, despair, lack of lust for life and other emotional down points to the God of their understanding. 

They knew God would listen.  They also knew God would comfort. These examples are proof that humanity needs emotional care too.  They prove we can trust God, believe in God and still be sad and troubled sometimes.

In the African-American church, it is common for parishioners to seek emotional support from pastors instead of psychiatrists or psychologists.  In a world that advertises more and more attention on the emotional well-being of individuals, how has the church approached this subject?  Anxiety, depression and other emotional maladies can restrict a person’s ability to properly process and handle a variety of life circumstances.  The Michael Brown incident in Ferguson, Missouri is just once example of how external circumstances can throw a person into a season of anxiety and/or sadness.

Can the church provide support and comfort too?  Not just on Sunday mornings but through the week?  Is it willing to employ and secure trained counselors, psychologists and/or therapists to help diagnose and guide people into a healthier place emotionally?

Interestingly enough, that the historical context of 3 John references how Christian love is demonstrated.  The writer states it is through hospitality and support – putting the needs of others before one’s own needs – as a true reflection of Christ’s love demonstrated on the cross.

Yet, often when an emotional despondent person presents in the worship experience, church leaders want to immediately usher them into healing versus addressing the emotional issue itself.  Is it possible this particular individual has a history of depression or being anxious about small things?  If so, what has the person done in the past to secure more self-control in their lives?  Have they seen a therapist?  Have they tried medication?  Have they tried changing their personal home environment to establish a more safe and secure physical existence?

Maybe one of the reasons believers can’t prosper in their financial situation is because they haven’t addressed their emotional response to living itself.  Impulsive behavior, a by-product of anxiety, leads to financial instability and, for some people, unexpected trips to jail.  If anyone impulsively buys clothes or hits someone who makes them angry, these are the consequences to their actions.

Stable living is a byproduct of a healthy life.  Yes, this includes an emotionally healthy life too.  In 3 John 1:3, the writer says he is proud his friend’s life “stays clean and true and continues to live by the standards of the Gospel.”  But, his friend is able to do so because he takes care of himself mind, body, soul and spirit.

A successful recovery, a stable life is built on a solid, healthy internal foundation.  The eight areas of SAMHA are one view.  The biblical perspective is another.  But the truth remains, you can’t build a brick house on quicksand. 

Achieving a sense of balance and wellness begins with stable emotions, good health and sound decision making practices.  Most likely, the more support a person has socially, the more successful they are to achieve wellness in all areas of their life.

Self-care and Suicide Prevention

A few ways we can prevent our own Suicide

We don’t hear enough people talking about their personal, private struggle to manage suicidal thoughts.  But, in light of this being Suicide Prevention Week, it seems appropriate for me to be transparent.  In fact, this self-disclosure may encourage someone else to reach a deeper level of self-acceptance.

Our society embraces the idea of managing loneliness.  On the other hand, in some communities, society tries to save us or deliver us from depression and suicidal thoughts.  My experience reveals learning how to manage the suicidal thoughts that randomly present themselves in my head, has helped me preserve my life and stabilize me within the context of self-care and wellness.

Suicidal thoughts don’t discriminate.  A person’s background or pedigree is of no importance to these thoughts of self-destruction.  My first set of thoughts appeared around the age of 15.  And, being a mental health consumer (i.e. a person who manages and addresses their mental illness), I have learned that honest acceptance of my mental health condition allows me to move towards a solution rather than staying in the problem (i.e. tortured by suicidal thoughts, defeated by depression and/or agitated by anxiety).

Here are a few ways I manage my mental health, which includes those infrequent, unexpected suicidal thoughts:

Honestly admit the thoughts occur. No matter how frequent or rare, if your brain is built like mine, the suicidal thoughts will occur and re-occur whenever they want.  I have learned that I might not be able to control when or why the thoughts that come into my head, but I can certainly control how I respond to them.

Develop and practice open-mindedness.  There are alternative ways to dealing with suicidal thoughts rather than just giving in.  This is what I call “the fight.”  For some people it is a daily struggle to fight the thoughts.  For other people, the thoughts may come in seasons.  Whatever the case, approaching our lot in life with an open mind as it relates to treatment is a good starting place. 

Considering attending therapy, taking medication (traditional or herbal), practicing your spirituality and any other forms of healthy treatment are ways we demonstrate self-love and self-care.  There are alternative solutions to managing suicidal thoughts that do not involve trying to kill oneself by abusing drugs or attempting to end one’s life.

Become Willing.  Being willing to talk to someone is a great idea.  Hopefully, the person chosen is willing to listen and help guide you into a solution that doesn’t involve shaming you for your condition.  Also, having a safe haven for rough days is a good idea.  My safe haven is my bed.  If I get hit with an episode of suicidal thoughts, I encourage myself to get home and get in my bed!  This allows me to hold on until the rough moments pass and I can talk to someone, have a change made to my medication or both. 

I have a few rules I follow so that when the thoughts come, I know they can’t succeed.  I cry, tell them to shut up, talk to my therapist, lay in bed and watch movies, listen to sermons, the list goes on.  There are alternative ways to deal with the problem.

5.     

            Pray.  People often fail, but God never does.  Saying, “God help me” is the simplest prayer I know.  And, as my thoughts to self-harm dissipate, I am grateful for the moment’s reprieve.

           Enter into a covenant/contract with yourself.  Biblically, covenants are initiated by God and God alone.  So, I have a contract, an agreement, if you will, with myself.  I will not try to kill myself.  (I personally think it is a waste of time to try but that is another topic.)  Past attempts have been unsuccessful, I always felt worse after I failed and I must be here for a reason, so why not just hold on and see what the end results will be?  I realize this isn’t logical thinking for some people, but it is the way I manage my depression and suicidal thoughts instead of allowing them to manage me.

Gratitude list.  I am not a fan of gratitude lists because my mind enjoys thinking “poor me” thoughts.  But, my recovery is my responsibility.  So, the way I recover from depression and suicidal thoughts is I find something, anything, for which to be grateful.  Some of my simplest gratitude lists are the funniest ones, but they keep me from harming myself in that moment.  And, I believe, that makes God proud.

Being suicidal is embarrassing to admit.  The shame about having suicidal thoughts succeeds when we choose to suffer in silence.  Acting out on these thoughts is always depressing and demeaning.  The truth is, the thoughts will pass and eventually go away.  Bad days are bad days and their alternative, good days, come and go too. 

So, my suggestion is this:  “Let’s hold on to life and see what else it has to bring.  After all, it can’t be worse than managing suicidal thoughts.”  J

Be blessed,

M

The Courage to say, "I Can't"

Allowing God’s Strength to Work when We’re Weak

                It took almost a full week for me to begin processing the suicide of actor Robin Williams.  The unexpected news of his death was initially revealed to me while perusing a Facebook page dedicated to support mental health consumers. 

When the news report referred to his severe depression, I immediately understood how he lost the battle raging inside his head.  Why?  Because at the time of his death, I had been three days into battling my own thoughts of suicide.

                In fact, about five hours before I read the news about Williams, I had posted on Facebook, “I need help.”

                Why, some may wonder, had I made a public declaration of weakness?  Because I live alone and have few, few contacts with people.  My work as a freelance writer and my past “bad” actions keep me isolated in this small community. 

                I made the public declaration of weakness because somewhere deep inside my mind I believe my life was intended, planned and can be of some good use to someone.  (Hope?)  Maybe I don’t kill myself because I’m giving God a chance to prove God’s Word is true for me too.  J

But, I also decided to take this step because I had just left the pharmacy with a “new” prescription for an anti-depressant.  I felt overwhelmed, hopeless, worthless, weepy and sorry for myself – all classic signs of depression.  The one hour bus ride home did not help.  

                I took some medication and prepared to take a nap.  But for all the prayers I had said on my own, I felt it best to ask others to help me pray for me.  Now, scientifically, we can’t prove that their prayers helped. 

But, it is in my best interest to believe that God hears prayer and answers.  What other real hope is there in life? Evidence of God answering the prayers of those who prayed was proven to me by my sense of feeling better when I awakened two hours later.  Naysayers might say, “It was the medicine.  It was because you got some rest.”  Believe what you will.

                I KNOW my relationship with God has sustains my life.  This relationship keeps me alive.  In my opinion, religion is external behaviors confirming our belief in God.  Spirituality is an internal, private relationship with God evidenced by a personal commitment to live out/walk out the Word in daily life.

                So, when the Apostle Paul prayed and asked God to remove his weakness, God said, “My kindness is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.” (2 Cor. 12:9 CEV)  Then Paul said, “So if Christ keeps giving me his power, I will gladly brag about how weak I am.”

                I felt so weak Monday.  Those suicidal thoughts and the heaviness in my heart and mind regarding my life are part of the internal atmosphere that works against me.  But, if I FIGHT to remember better days and look at life through the lens of a clear set of glasses, there is evidence that my life means something.  There is proof that I am worthy of God’s love, grace and attention.  But depression works really hard to steal those truths from my sense of self-awareness. 

                I cooperate with God when I refuse to allow those thoughts to steal my life.  Leaning on God and obeying God’s instructions/suggestions are what keep me alive.  (And, yes, I believe God instructs me to take medication and participate in therapy sessions.)  God said, “Ask for help on Facebook.”  I said, “Ok.  It certainly can’t get worse than this.” 

                Two hours later, I felt better.  Four hours later I discovered Robin Williams was dead. 

                I can’t.  God can.  I prefer to let God help me because when I am weak, God is so, so strong.

Be blessed,

Mystic Michelle

Barriers to Self-Acceptance

                Years of self-rejection make it interesting, if not impossible, to understand the multiple layers of mental fatigue trapped inside the mind.  Does anyone ask themselves, “Why and when did loving me become unacceptable?  How much value do I place on my worth?  Do I place any value on my own existence beyond a nice outfit or a vehicle to transport my body?”

                A few musings on the subject made me realize, the same barriers to self-acceptance that were in operation my whole life, are still at work today.  The exception is, I won’t be distracted.  Most of my time, energy and resources were spent getting others to like me, when in reality, nothing I did, said or thought was good enough for others, or more importantly, good enough for me.  Is this true for you too? 

                Although I said I wanted to please God, I often rarely consulted God’s guidance when I found myself out of balance while performing too many tasks and fulfilling a lot of responsibilities.

Review this list of barriers to self-acceptance and let me know if any apply to you:

1.       Focused on Pleasing Others.  Accepting myself was next to impossible because my focus was always on others.  I had to please others, my form of loving others, no matter what.  My major concerns were, did I say the right thing, did I do enough favors for you, did I use a lot of my resources to solve your problems while ignoring my own needs?  In the end, these people-pleasing acts left me a shell of a person without any hope for the future.

2.       Beating myself up.  This used to be a favorite pastime of mine.  Constant battering of my own mind, body and soul as if I could mentally bash myself into this ever-elusive place called self-acceptance.  I never did anything right unless I had the approval of others.

3.     Perfectionism.  I think this is the mother of all barriers to self-acceptance.  My own inability to accept my imperfections led to me trying to become error free and blame free.  Now I know, this was an impossible expectation I placed on myself.

Basically, these behaviors and mindsets were a recipe for a few negative conditions known as depression and substance abuse.  My inability to take care of me, for me, caused me to give of myself in ways that really were not available.

Thank God I have learned a few new tools to help me learn how to like me and accept me.  Is this true for you too?  Please, share your thoughts below.  

Anchored: In Times Like These

In times like these, you need a Savior

In time like these, you need an anchor

Be very sure, yes be very sure

Your anchor holds and grips the solid rock

 ~

Words and Music to In Times Like These

by Ruth Caye Jones

It is difficult to begin a relationship with God while in the basement of psychological and emotional pain.  How can one find a way to trust God when all hope is lost and all that was lost is gone?

Difficult, hard and problematic to say the least. 

I understand the conundrum because when I was in my emotional basement, I was angry at God, questioning the love She said she had towards me.  I was also suspicious of what She said was her nature as a good, merciful and faithful God. 

How, when in a fetal position of depression and paralyzed in my bed, could I turn my thoughts towards trusting God when nothing seemed to be going right in my life?  It is in these difficult times, I need a Savior.  Not a human crutch or just a medicinal fix.  I need a Divine Savior.

I found that to anchor my soul in a tight grip on God to be an act of courageous humility and blind faith.

You see, for me, having a relationship with God is better than not having a relationship with a Divine Power greater than myself.  At least, when I get angry, sad, depressed and upset, I have something to direct those energies toward. 

And, when I am joyful, happy, and playful and mischief, I enjoy the other side of this relationship that tends to bring the same ups and downs common to connecting with others.

           

On this particular day, I am grateful the God I love can’t be swayed or manipulated by my temper tantrums, selfish demands or bouts of sadness.  When my anger turns inward, God is there to remind me to be loving towards myself, gentle, patient and tolerant towards me.  After all, God is those things toward me.  Why can’t I be those things towards myself?

I am forever humbled by my parents and the faith community they raised me in who pointed me towards a God who is greater than I.  This God is big enough, tough enough and wise enough to gently handle me -- remembering I am dust, created in His image and subject to bouts of mania, depression, anxiety and unrealistic expectations regarding my reality.

           

Yet, Her love remains.  It is sure.  It is steadfast and it is eternal. 

            Her presence is my life anchors me.  What I mean is, God’s presence and loving guidance allow my life to have a specific, unique meaning.  A starting and ending point for all philosophical musings, theological wrangling and specific, unique idiosyncrasies. 

It fact, the more life stuff I go through, the more curious I become about His nature.  This helps me remain hopeful because there is nothing about me that God can’t handle.  I am accepted, affirmed and loved – no matter what!

I find hope in this God who created me in His image and tells me, “You belong to me.  I created you, I love you and I will never leave you or abandon you.”

           

My soul finds comfort and peace in our interactions.

           

When tears stream down my face, they fall into a bucket of raindrops – received, nourished and wiped away ever so gently because God really does care for me.  When no one else on earth seems to care about me, respect me, honor me or help me, God lets me know He cares.  And, then God will send someone along to demonstrate just how much he cares.

            My soul is resting.  It is just a blessing.  Praise God, I am free to be me, loved and anchored in the Master’s hands.

Be blessed,

M