Self-care and Suicide Prevention

A few ways we can prevent our own Suicide

We don’t hear enough people talking about their personal, private struggle to manage suicidal thoughts.  But, in light of this being Suicide Prevention Week, it seems appropriate for me to be transparent.  In fact, this self-disclosure may encourage someone else to reach a deeper level of self-acceptance.

Our society embraces the idea of managing loneliness.  On the other hand, in some communities, society tries to save us or deliver us from depression and suicidal thoughts.  My experience reveals learning how to manage the suicidal thoughts that randomly present themselves in my head, has helped me preserve my life and stabilize me within the context of self-care and wellness.

Suicidal thoughts don’t discriminate.  A person’s background or pedigree is of no importance to these thoughts of self-destruction.  My first set of thoughts appeared around the age of 15.  And, being a mental health consumer (i.e. a person who manages and addresses their mental illness), I have learned that honest acceptance of my mental health condition allows me to move towards a solution rather than staying in the problem (i.e. tortured by suicidal thoughts, defeated by depression and/or agitated by anxiety).

Here are a few ways I manage my mental health, which includes those infrequent, unexpected suicidal thoughts:

Honestly admit the thoughts occur. No matter how frequent or rare, if your brain is built like mine, the suicidal thoughts will occur and re-occur whenever they want.  I have learned that I might not be able to control when or why the thoughts that come into my head, but I can certainly control how I respond to them.

Develop and practice open-mindedness.  There are alternative ways to dealing with suicidal thoughts rather than just giving in.  This is what I call “the fight.”  For some people it is a daily struggle to fight the thoughts.  For other people, the thoughts may come in seasons.  Whatever the case, approaching our lot in life with an open mind as it relates to treatment is a good starting place. 

Considering attending therapy, taking medication (traditional or herbal), practicing your spirituality and any other forms of healthy treatment are ways we demonstrate self-love and self-care.  There are alternative solutions to managing suicidal thoughts that do not involve trying to kill oneself by abusing drugs or attempting to end one’s life.

Become Willing.  Being willing to talk to someone is a great idea.  Hopefully, the person chosen is willing to listen and help guide you into a solution that doesn’t involve shaming you for your condition.  Also, having a safe haven for rough days is a good idea.  My safe haven is my bed.  If I get hit with an episode of suicidal thoughts, I encourage myself to get home and get in my bed!  This allows me to hold on until the rough moments pass and I can talk to someone, have a change made to my medication or both. 

I have a few rules I follow so that when the thoughts come, I know they can’t succeed.  I cry, tell them to shut up, talk to my therapist, lay in bed and watch movies, listen to sermons, the list goes on.  There are alternative ways to deal with the problem.

5.     

            Pray.  People often fail, but God never does.  Saying, “God help me” is the simplest prayer I know.  And, as my thoughts to self-harm dissipate, I am grateful for the moment’s reprieve.

           Enter into a covenant/contract with yourself.  Biblically, covenants are initiated by God and God alone.  So, I have a contract, an agreement, if you will, with myself.  I will not try to kill myself.  (I personally think it is a waste of time to try but that is another topic.)  Past attempts have been unsuccessful, I always felt worse after I failed and I must be here for a reason, so why not just hold on and see what the end results will be?  I realize this isn’t logical thinking for some people, but it is the way I manage my depression and suicidal thoughts instead of allowing them to manage me.

Gratitude list.  I am not a fan of gratitude lists because my mind enjoys thinking “poor me” thoughts.  But, my recovery is my responsibility.  So, the way I recover from depression and suicidal thoughts is I find something, anything, for which to be grateful.  Some of my simplest gratitude lists are the funniest ones, but they keep me from harming myself in that moment.  And, I believe, that makes God proud.

Being suicidal is embarrassing to admit.  The shame about having suicidal thoughts succeeds when we choose to suffer in silence.  Acting out on these thoughts is always depressing and demeaning.  The truth is, the thoughts will pass and eventually go away.  Bad days are bad days and their alternative, good days, come and go too. 

So, my suggestion is this:  “Let’s hold on to life and see what else it has to bring.  After all, it can’t be worse than managing suicidal thoughts.”  J

Be blessed,

M

The Courage to say, "I Can't"

Allowing God’s Strength to Work when We’re Weak

                It took almost a full week for me to begin processing the suicide of actor Robin Williams.  The unexpected news of his death was initially revealed to me while perusing a Facebook page dedicated to support mental health consumers. 

When the news report referred to his severe depression, I immediately understood how he lost the battle raging inside his head.  Why?  Because at the time of his death, I had been three days into battling my own thoughts of suicide.

                In fact, about five hours before I read the news about Williams, I had posted on Facebook, “I need help.”

                Why, some may wonder, had I made a public declaration of weakness?  Because I live alone and have few, few contacts with people.  My work as a freelance writer and my past “bad” actions keep me isolated in this small community. 

                I made the public declaration of weakness because somewhere deep inside my mind I believe my life was intended, planned and can be of some good use to someone.  (Hope?)  Maybe I don’t kill myself because I’m giving God a chance to prove God’s Word is true for me too.  J

But, I also decided to take this step because I had just left the pharmacy with a “new” prescription for an anti-depressant.  I felt overwhelmed, hopeless, worthless, weepy and sorry for myself – all classic signs of depression.  The one hour bus ride home did not help.  

                I took some medication and prepared to take a nap.  But for all the prayers I had said on my own, I felt it best to ask others to help me pray for me.  Now, scientifically, we can’t prove that their prayers helped. 

But, it is in my best interest to believe that God hears prayer and answers.  What other real hope is there in life? Evidence of God answering the prayers of those who prayed was proven to me by my sense of feeling better when I awakened two hours later.  Naysayers might say, “It was the medicine.  It was because you got some rest.”  Believe what you will.

                I KNOW my relationship with God has sustains my life.  This relationship keeps me alive.  In my opinion, religion is external behaviors confirming our belief in God.  Spirituality is an internal, private relationship with God evidenced by a personal commitment to live out/walk out the Word in daily life.

                So, when the Apostle Paul prayed and asked God to remove his weakness, God said, “My kindness is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak.” (2 Cor. 12:9 CEV)  Then Paul said, “So if Christ keeps giving me his power, I will gladly brag about how weak I am.”

                I felt so weak Monday.  Those suicidal thoughts and the heaviness in my heart and mind regarding my life are part of the internal atmosphere that works against me.  But, if I FIGHT to remember better days and look at life through the lens of a clear set of glasses, there is evidence that my life means something.  There is proof that I am worthy of God’s love, grace and attention.  But depression works really hard to steal those truths from my sense of self-awareness. 

                I cooperate with God when I refuse to allow those thoughts to steal my life.  Leaning on God and obeying God’s instructions/suggestions are what keep me alive.  (And, yes, I believe God instructs me to take medication and participate in therapy sessions.)  God said, “Ask for help on Facebook.”  I said, “Ok.  It certainly can’t get worse than this.” 

                Two hours later, I felt better.  Four hours later I discovered Robin Williams was dead. 

                I can’t.  God can.  I prefer to let God help me because when I am weak, God is so, so strong.

Be blessed,

Mystic Michelle