Don’t Hide: Facing your Life and its Difficult Consequences

Often I think of historical religious leaders who failed in their personal lives only to face the public’s scrutiny.  It is difficult.  Mostly, it is difficult because many times the fallen soldier must figure out how to stand up again with little communal compassion or supportive arms and words.

Yet, they do.  We do.  You can too.

Anyone Can Fall

Recently my online perusal revealed a woman who went to a prestigious K-12 boarding school.  She was expelled during her senior year and even though she came from a wealthy family, she decided to start a prostitution business after graduating from college.

Needless to say, she was caught, convicted, served time and re-emerged on New York’s social scene several years later. 

Shunned, shamed and confident, she began to rebuild her life.  She wrote a book, which is too expensive for me to purchase, and eventually caught the eye of a businessman who helped her market herself anew.  As fairy tale stories tend to end, it appears she is doing well now.

For some of us, that is not the case. 

Returning to the Public Eye

Surely this woman still sees the sideway glances when she walks into a room.  I assume those glances are easier to bear if you have a financial cushion.  That cushion allows you to travel, impulsively, to escape the glares, the whispers and the loneliness from a once familiar place.

This is where the toughest of the tough emerge.  This is when a sense of self and your own inherent value becomes critical to daily psychological survival.  Remember the pastor who was caught practicing homosexual behavior after publicly denouncing homosexuality?  Remember the Florida pastor who overdosed while traveling in New York?  Many other preachers have survived these challenges.  But there are also a bunch of musicians, actors, politicians and former presidents that have too.

So can we.  So can you.

Life goes on.  People get over themselves and our bruised egos begin to heal.  We had to learn the hard way, but the blessings and lessons of the struggle are clear:

1.       Be aware of your limitations.  When people fall, it usually isn’t an isolated incident.  Many people forget that there was a family connected to this person who fell.  The profession they tried to manage is now, most likely, gone.  Often, our poorest decisions are made in the heat a moment while trying to find a way to escape or cope with stress. 

But, sometimes falls happen because people are greedy.  No matter what the reason, the lesson is to know your limitations.  Overextending ourselves to meet materialistic goals or please others because we have a “title” or a “position” is dangerous.  When your psyche says, “I’m tired,” listen.  Respond. 

2.       Be aware of your needs.  Something is internally amiss when we seek external satisfaction for internal wounds.  Surely, someone is reading this and thinking, “Oh, yeah…blame it on your childhood.”  (I say, “Let’s forget that person for now.”)  Many of us have hidden secrets, shames, wounds and experiences that shaped us into who we are today. 

What can come out in therapy is the clear dysfunctions of our family that, in our mind, we have painted as rosy white picket fence experiences.  Stop lying to yourself.  Get some help.  Uncover those wounds and break free of your past hurts.  You are worth it.

3.       Be aware you lived to tell the story.  That pastor is Florida – he died.  But the rest of us, we have another chance at redemption.  We still have our life, our strength, our right mind (if lucky) and a story to tell.  Somewhere, someone needs to know you survived so they can equip their mind, body and soul to endure their particular situation.

It all seems for naught but it is not.  There is nothing better than knowing my personal testimony helps someone make a better decision, avoid a deep pothole or change the legacy of their family’s history. 

4.       Be aware you are valuable, worthy and deserving.  Mistakes don’t cancel our worth.  In fact, mistakes sometimes make us discover our true value to ourselves.  When we realize we don’t have to do or act in ways that are immoral or illegal to feel good about who we are, we find a sense of worth and value that was never there before.  Then, we realize we deserve a good life, because God said so.  We deserve and can have happiness and peace.

People may not forget what we have done, but God sees where we are going.  Let’s use our lives to bless others from both the places of success and failure.  You never know whose life you could save.

5.       Live.  Yes, live.  Live like there is no tomorrow, laugh like there was no yesterday, heal because you can and smile because the worst appears to be over.  Yeah, live!

Be blessed,

M

Remaining Consistent in Spite of Setbacks

Blows, bumps and bruises: byproducts of life.  Whether physical, psychological or financial, bouncing back from being knocked off balance can be difficult for a person managing a mental illness.

Major life events, such as the death of a loved one, the birth of a child, buying a home or being fired, can send a mental health consumer spiraling up or down, depending on their diagnosis.  There may or may not be other variables involved, but since we can’t control our external environments, it is best to know, to count on the fact that sometimes we will be knocked off the smooth course and rhythms of life.

A variety of medical professionals rely on the Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale to determine ones susceptibility to illness.  This scale outlines many major life events.  By using the scale, a person can determine how susceptible they are to experiencing illness as a result of any major life event. 

For the mental health patient, this is a good guide to heighten awareness of times that can be stressful.  Of course, there will be unexpected events, but being mindful to maintain emotional balance and mental wellness is very, very important.

Imagine if you had a succession of events.  Your likelihood of anxiety, depression, etc. increases as you juggle more events.  The good news is, for the mental health patient, this is a great way to be on the offense, instead of defense, during troubling times.

Consistency is now a top priority.

Author: David Castillo Dominici

Maintain your position:  Consistently practice self-care

Consistency is so important.  Whenever we strive to reach a goal, consistency keeps us on track.  Although we cannot always control external environments, continuing the routines of wellness will help us maintain balance.  

This means, keep taking medication, keep visiting the therapist and stay the course by remaining connected to your support group.  Whatever routines you developed to achieve wellness or recovery, maintain them to simulate balance during stormy times.

Maintain your position:  Consistently seek inspiration

The number of devotional books available for purchase is astronomical.  There are so many ways to feed one’s soul/spirit with inspiration that it seems a shame not to have something in place.  Our society has a way of jumping on the latest trends.  If you, as a mental health consumer, established the practices of mindfulness or meditation, keep them in place when trouble comes.

These activities not only keep us centered, but fed with seeds of hope, inspiration, positive perspectives and strength.  What you need for each day, you will find if you seek it consistently.

Maintain your position:  Focus on the future

Major life events have a way of pulling people into past guilt and shame.  “If only I hadn’t done this, if only I hadn’t moved here…if only….I should have, I would have” -- you get the picture.  These thoughts are a great seeds to plant in the soil of failure.  Setbacks can become a breeding ground for feeling “stuck in the mud.” 

Living life in the rear view mirror forces our eyes on yesterday and yesteryear.  

 Instead, know that you can only do something about today.  Forgive yourself.

Make positive plans for tomorrow.  Lay the course for a positive direction.

Find one person who believes in you and wants to help you succeed.

Focus on the future.  Focus…focus…yes, demand your mind stay focused!

As we consistently seek better states of wellness for ourselves, we demonstrate our commitment to recovery and living in life’s solutions.  I’m not saying that we will magically experience relief.  Instead, this is a reminder that consistency will and does pay off if we stay the course.

Be blessed,

M

B4Stage4

Living and Dealing with Mental Illness

An untreated mental illness can wreak havoc in the lives of a patient’s loved ones.

Currently, a friend of mine is in an episode that has already lasted several weeks.  The behavior has resulted in mismanagement of money, an eviction notice and, possibly, a return to substance abuse. 

Out of concern and sorrow, I placed a call only to discover there really isn’t much anyone can do.  The courts and mental health organizations need clear proof that this person is a danger to self or others.  And, they are.  Just not in ways that can legally justify secluding this person.  Not in ways that prove someone will be directly hurt with knives or guns or suicide.

What we normally do?

Normally, we worry.  We try to fix, rescue, plead and bargain.  Ultimately, it is probably common that when a family surrenders to their loved one’s behavior, they get to stand by and watch in horror and know they can do nothing. 

It is clear to me that there should be some nuances in the laws that uphold my friend’s right but also make it impossible for his/her poor judgment to continuously lead to acts of self-harm.

We have free will.

What can we do?

Pray.

Set boundaries.

Listen.

Talk about how I feel.

Remain available to assist in the solution.

Because I am not a mental health specialist or trained in administering healthcare, I want to clearly state that these are solutions I have found workable for me. 

After carefully listening to others that have travelled this beaten path, I understand I can’t make anyone do what they don’t want to do.  If my friends or family members don’t want to take care of themselves, maybe there is little I can do.  Maybe the only thing I can do is pray.  The prayers I send up help me remain centered in my own care by looking up to a Source stronger than I.

Meditate.  Interestingly, people meditate in different ways.  For me, meditation is listening for God’s response.  Often, that comes after I arise from my kneeling position and hear the voices of older, wiser men and women who have survived similar experiences.  I hear their emotional and physical responses to the challenges we face while loving in any community.  I gain strength and insight from their travels.

The boundaries I then am able to set come from a place of wellness.  I am able to stay well for me.  I am able to let the other person know that you must live with your choices and I need not rescue or jump into your insanity to demonstrate “I love you.”  In fact, it is quite the opposite…I love you enough to leave you to your own wisdom.  It just doesn’t work for me.

B4Stage4

With insight, this experience helps me understand the harm, worry and confusion I can inflict in the lives of people who love me when I act in ways that are bizarre, harmful to self and confusing to others. 

Some of the biggest challenges with having a mental illness is being deeply and truly honest with oneself that we are different from other people, but not complete aliens to the human race.  Another challenge is admitting we need the help of others to help us see and live in reality about the choices we make.  Finally, working diligently to silence the self-destructive voice is a full-time job all by itself. 

If people who have major depressive disorder make up 3% of the population, it is no wonder the remaining 97% struggle to understand our lot in life. 

Mental illness is real, debilitating and mandates if you want to pursue recovery, you must reach out for help.  If stage 4 is hospitalization, the first three stages mandate a mental health consumer remain vigilant about their own sense of wellness and personal safety.  In this way, we do have a chance to recover.

Take a Break!

Regaining Balance B4Stage4

Deadlines motivate me to complete projects.  As the end date draws near, my motivation turns against me and becomes stress.  Once stress appears, I am thrown off kilter.  No matter how much passion I pour into a project I love, the deadline begins as a goal, becomes a foreboding monster and happens to leave as quietly as it came.  Then, I need to regroup.

 

The last deadline for the magazine was missed.  The deadline made me anxious and missing it made me more anxious.  By the time the printing company received the file, I was wound as tight as a twisted balloon.  I could feel the muscles in my neck straining as I double-checked small details.  My lower back cried for a steamroller to smooth out the tense patches.  I felt bothered, short tempered and like I wanted it just to end.

The people I work with could tell I was on edge.  Yet, they began to tell me how much they appreciated me.

My therapist reminded me to take a break.

May is National Mental Health Month.  This experience reminded me that without consistent breaks, the chances of someone becoming overwhelmed, depressed, anxious, and eventually hitting a brick wall are real.  The way we avoid stage 4 while managing our mental health is through regular maintenance.  We maintain our recovery by utilizing a group of tools like people supports, medication, exercise, therapy sessions and, good old “down time.”

Medical professionals are using this month to talk about helping people with mental illnesses before they become a danger to themselves or others – Stage 4.  As I scoured the internet for clues on what stages 1, 2 and 3 looked like, I gave up and decided to focus on my own well-being.  Maybe someone else can write about those other stages.  Instead, let’s see what a break can do to our consistent mental health maintenance.

The Benefits of Breaks:

1.       Restoration of inner stability – my insides stopped jumping around after I took a long, long walk.  I

Author: airdone

walked the whole day actually and capped the experience with a lakeside view of a communal pond.  (exhale)  I wrote a little bit about the mishaps and lessons from the latest printing of the magazine issue, while assessing my professional behavior in the heat of the moment.

   Drink in the world – I got to notice the world around me.  Cars zooming and zipping back and forth, a lady fishing in the pond, the grass needed to be cut in the park.  (Who cuts the grass in the park anyway?  That’s a lot of grass!)  My mind took a break and my eyes became the sensors that filled the reservoir of my empty soul.  I saw the ducks, the geese, dogs, park benches.  Then it hit me, me and the magazine team had done good work. 

3.       Breathe.  There is a huge, steep hill that leads to Farquhar Park from the west side.  I took a chance and mounted it.  My knees cried, my breath lagged and finally, I reached the top.  Forget doing the

Author: adam121

exercises at each station in the park, I needed to catch my breath.  But, I wasn’t angry about it.  It felt good to be out of breath and walking in the park with lumbered heavy footsteps and a heavy bag on my shoulder.  I didn’t have to be anywhere or do anything because I was on my own time.  I was taking a break!

4.       Fun.  I had the patience to sit in the company of my three grandchildren after that long walk.  I climbed into their play area, a section corralled off in the living room, and laid on the floor with ten-month old Shamar.  I’m not sure my presence mattered to him.  He just crawled around me and kept doing what he was doing -- exchanging one toy for another from his mouth to his hand. 

Lying on the floor and viewing the world from his perspective was so relaxing.

Then, my granddaughter (2 ½) and her older brother (4) decided to capture my cell phone when I tried to keep her pacifier.  They reminded me they were in control in their play area and I was a visitor.  I had the best laugh in days because I couldn’t catch them to get my phone back!

Later that night, my granddaughter joined me in my bed for a YouTube Play-Doh video.  Her bare feet glazed my legs as I lay lightly exhausted, but refreshed, in my bed.  I was reminiscing about my great, relaxing day.  I had the pleasure of detoxing many negative emotions and freeing my muscles from penned up frustration. 

My soul was internally restored to sanity.  I felt grateful, loved and stabilized.  My life has purpose, meaning and direction.  And in finding my purpose, I can also have balance.  It is good to take a break.  When is the last time you had one?

The Call to Transparency

Photographer: Sirylok

It is difficult to determine the level of disclosure necessary to minister to anyone abnormal.

Abnormals are those who don’t fit society’s overall arching definition of normal.  We be the ones (I know it is grammatically incorrect) who are addicts, abusers, familiar with dysfunctional family patterns, and basically live in denial about a lot of things.

Yet, when we seek the help we need, the help we desire, we find it in the lives and voices of those willing to expose themselves.  And we change.

Recently, someone joined me on a social media platform whose identifying marker said they were a forgiven adulterer.  Granted, I tried to see a face with the label/title, but none was found as I did a 10 second search.  Did it really matter what they looked like?  No.

The Cost of Transparency – Freedom from Bondage

The cost for those who live lives in front of the veil is -- we are free.  We are free to not be held captive to the opinions and judgments of the “normals” or those other Christians who act like they never did anything wrong.  Then there are those who know they did wrong, but, with noses high in the air proclaim, “I never went that far.” 

Ok.  So you didn’t have to walk in our shoes.  Kudos.  Congratulations.  Good for you!

But, we are free NOW.  We are also free to be used by God to help others and bring them out.  Equipped with an understanding that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, we are able to think, write and speak boldly of God’s saving grace.  Bipolar, bulimic and recovering from burglary charges, no matter our lot, no matter our sin, we are forgiven, redeemed and accepted.  We all are. 

The Gift of Transparency

A willingness to share our story or parts of our past struggles with others is a gift.  We don’t hide in shame.  We don’t crouch in fear.  We know there are different territories that must be conquered.

Photographer: Membio

Energized, focused and determined, we emerge from cocoons and share our testimonies to equip the Millennials, Generation X and anyone else to push forward, move beyond our pasts and live extraordinary lives.  By sharing, we get to watch other people transform.  What a gift!

With tears in their eyes, the other abnormals, thank us for being honest, open and transparent.  They share their stories with us and we can go deeper into the ministry of reconciling them to a place of peace.

The Rewards of Transparency

Finally, we are free to live joyous lives.  There is a level of joy we can experience and enjoy because we have made peace with our past, let go of the pain and shame associated with our faults and shortcomings in order to rejoice!  We rejoice in God’s love, we rejoice in our freedom from bondage and we rejoice in the improved life granted to those willing to face their past, heal and follow Christ.

Called to be transparent?  I am.  I am not embarrassed although I may not always understand what God wants to do through me.  Yet, I am beginning to hear the testimony of others who are coming out of their own forms of bondage as they say, “Thank you.  You helped me so much.”

In Jesus name,

M

Take the Hit: Moving from Right to Righteousness

Meekness, Mental Health & Ministry

Every fighter knows in order to secure the title “winner” at the end of a boxing match, they have to endure the blows of each punch first.  The referee serves as the authority in the boxing ring. 

Often, life is a boxing match.  Spiritual principles are the ruling authority for some.  For others, Christ is King and His way of living rules and guides our behavior.

 Ser

Sergey Nivens, Photographer

Like a referee, people in positions of power and authority have a duty to execute their assignment with an attitude of meekness.  It’s one way to reduce harmful acts and demonstrate we either a) honor spiritual principles; or b) are following the example left by Christ.

Meekness, in the biblical context, is defined as someone in authority resisting undue harshness towards others.

It is challenging to respond kindly to aggravating treatment.  If aggravating treatment can be defined as anything done to another person to provoke an emotional response, then certainly, life offers many opportunities to deal with aggravating treatment.  When we get hit with a slur, sarcasm or a perceived slight in any form, we want to hit back.  When a spouse forgets something we deem important or a child disobeys a directive, we want to gruffly react.  It’s a natural, human response to a punch.

Yet, to define oneself as spiritual, when responding to these types of actions in our daily life, kindness and a demonstration of self-control are mechanisms of meekness.

This discussion is prompted by the text in Matthew which reads that Jesus entered the final phase of his assignment with an attitude of meekness.  (Matthew 21:4-5)  The word birthed a curiosity within my mind, so I embarked on a study of the word and the context in which it was read during Holy Week.  Certainly, my spiritual curiosity pushed me into new levels of personal awareness and professional responsibility I feel compelled to share.

Especially since it is easy for me to excuse my own tough behavior with an explanation of my family’s legacy of speaking harshly to people.  Our direct style of communication, combined with a lack of tact (kindness, humility and benevolence) impacts the message and reflection of the Christ seen in me.  It speaks to how I personally and professionally represent the importance of spiritual principles.

Therefore, understanding that Jesus purposely (Luke 9:51) traveled towards Jerusalem to die amazes me.  Why?  Because he volunteered to 1) complete his assignment; which included 2) being mistreated.  And for the reader who says, like me sometimes, this guy was divine!  How could anything he experienced compare to what I have to deal with on earth??!!  I understand. 

In fact, I believe Jesus was lucky enough to die once.  He only dealt with dying on the cross once.  In my lifespan, I can count at least three cross experiences that have left me feeling weak, useless and filled with shame.  I then tell myself, it is impossible for me to follow his example.

But I can. 

That said, meekness is the ability to deal with troubling circumstances, control one’s response and make sure others are not hurt by our power and leadership.  Sounds easy enough, right?

It was easy for me and can be on any given day.  According to an article I read on “Meekness and Moral Anger,” by Glen Pettigrove, meekness is a virtue that is valuable and vital.  In fact, I spent the week thinking how Jesus’ ministry would have looked if he was NOT meek.  What if he would have responded harshly to the woman with the issue of blood or to the Roman authority whose daughter was sick?  Would he still have been attractive to follow?  Am I attractive to work with now?

 

Sergey Nivens, Illustrator

If one’s mental health/mental capabilities are so out of balance that we can’t control how we respond (not react) to the world in which we live, we destroy the message of recovery, hope and respect for human lives for those who are watching on the sidelines.

The addict, the unbeliever, the whoremonger, the thief, all are watching me and you to see if they should pursue a different kind of life.  That’s why regularly cleansing our soul of troubling thoughts and emotions to keep our vessels clean and pure for the spiritual task at hand is so important.

I love the way Pettigrove says that,

“The meek person is slow to anger and is not prone to resent others, to desire their suffering, or to take pleasure in their distress. To say that the meek person is not quickly or easily provoked is not necessarily to say that he is never provoked. Certainly the meek are much slower to anger than persons with “a warm and angry [t]emper,” and they are less easily provoked than the common run of humanity.  

On those rare occasions when the meek become angry, they do not remain angry for long. And in the brief period during which they are feeling angry, they refrain from showing it in their actions, refusing to treat others in ways that express their hostile emotions.  (Pettigrove, 344)

I am equipped to do that.  God empowered me in this way before. 

Being in charge as a parent, child care worker, supervisor or homeless shelter outreach technician requires we have the inner hidden strength of character and humility of Christ to execute our duties ethically and benevolently. 

If I don’t feel good because of external or internal circumstances, it is my responsibility to properly manage those issues in ways that do not impact the people I touch. 

Surely, I am not the only one who falls short in this area.  In fact, the reason I am sharing this spiritual awakening is because as humans we talk about our victories and accomplishments often, but rarely share how we successfully overcome the liabilities in our character, which impact our personhood. 

That said, let’s walk not just in the authority of our roles, but also in the kindness and benevolence of Christ.  In this way, we demonstrate meekness no matter whether people sing our praises or not.  And, God gets the glory and is declared (once again) the real winner behind our actions.

Be blessed.

Works Cited

Pettigrove, Glen.  Ethics. Jan2012, Vol. 122 Issue 2, p341-370. 30p. (3 April 2015)