The Haves and Have Nots

Learning to be Content to Manage Depression

Philippians 4:11-13

Being unfamiliar with the television show bearing the same title, I courageously decided to title this post.  The main idea of the post is how is it possible for some people that suffer from chronic depression to feel sad and others don’t during the winter months?  The answer I suggest is spiritual in nature – not biological.

Shorter days and colder nights can be a great sources of strain for people.  Combine the external environment with regularly scheduled bill payments, daily parenting responsibilities, employment and other tasks and it is clear how difficult it is for some to maintain peace in the midst of life’s storms.

In fact, anxiety and fear are the normal states of existence for many people with a mental health condition.

Yet, I have peace today.  Unlike any other winter prior, I have joy and a sense of happiness that is permeating and coursing through my body, mind and soul.  However, I am keenly aware of those who have not this sense of peace.

What I can say about depression is it is a tricky disease.  One day a person feels great and one week later, their entire bottom has fallen out and there is no sense of stability inside the mind, body or soul.

Certainly, I do believe a person’s external environment contributes to their sense of emotional stability.  I recently moved and immensely enjoy my new home.  However, a friend of mine recently lost his primary source of income.  He doesn’t feel so happy these days. 

The internal environment is often connected to what happens outside the body.  However, I am a bit convinced my internal happiness is not based on my external circumstances.  Maybe I am in denial.  Or, maybe I am in a state of complete acceptance about the material possessions I lack and their overall importance to 1) meeting my basic human needs and 2) affirming my worth in the world. 

Maybe this is what the Apostle Paul meant when he said, “I have learned to be content, no matter what state I am in.”  (Philippians 4:11-13)

Content in the Greek means to be satisfied; without discontent or dissatisfaction in the soul.  So, Paul learned (and wrote about it) and I have learned and now write that learning to be content is a process that occurs uniquely for each person.

And, if truly learned, it is possible contentment is a prerequisite for happiness.  Kind of like one pillar in the foundation.  Alongside it are the building blocks of acceptance, gratitude and faith.  A keen sense that trusting God for the things we cannot see to be in place when necessary, helps us gratefully accept our current situation and rest in the Maker’s arms.

I have peace today.  And I pray for those that have not.

Seek Wise Counsel

 Finding your Way to Wisdom in a Noisy World

When imbalance, anxiety and confusion rule a recovering person’s thoughts, it is hard to know who to trust.  In fact, when to trust can be confusing too.

Stuart Miles

For many people recovering from mental illnesses and substance abuses, the God found in Christ is their Higher Power.  Granted, some people are even open to the idea that God speaks through people and events.  That means the silent questions on our heart are unexpectedly answered in conversations with others.  An answer is also found in a poem, bumper sticker or the words of a song.   

And, when in recovery, there is a growing awareness that we need to be guided into a new way of thinking and living in order to stop harming ourselves, or, at the very least, ignoring our needs.

That’s why prayer is two parts:  talking and listening.  While we can ask God questions and share our concerns too, it is also important to know (discern) when God is answering.

Since being wise is defined as having the ability to make a good decision, the Word of God is a good place to search for guidance on who and when to trust others for advice. 

This article on How to Seek Wise Counsel is a good place to start.  But what was equally important in my recovery was trusting my own inner urge, my instinct or some would say, my inner voice. 

Gently and ever so softly, I can hear my soul speak.  It is guiding me to a place or a person that has information, awareness, comfort or counsel.  In other words, I am being guided to a healthy source.  This Source is designed to 1) help support my recovery; and 2) affirm my existence on earth.

Maybe it is an urge to go to an AA/NA meeting.  Maybe it is a knowing that my therapy sessions should be increased.  Or, it is this strong impression that I should not go to the mall today, but instead visit a friend.  Whatever we come to know in our soul is what we should do, the message communicated will line up with God’s Word.  And, God will come by and let you know he has confirmed those specific instructions when someone else confirms what you heard God say.

God will never guide us to lie, cheat, harm or steal.  In fact, God’s thoughts of peace towards us are designed to bring us to an expected end – a place of his choosing that is fruitful.  (Jeremiah 29:11)

Yes, seek wise counsel.  But know that God needs us to participate in the process too.  Take time to discern what God is saying to you (Proverbs 1:5) and then discuss it with those wise people you trust (Proverbs 11:14) to confirm the path of righteousness we are destined to travel.

A Place of Belonging

Conferences, Conventions and Community in 12-step Programs

What I find most exhilarating about being a member of a 12-step program is that there is one place on this earth that understands my weaknesses, shortcomings and potential.  Being in the room with other recovering persons, without concerns about professional standing, economic wealth or gender, is such a relief.  I can be me, the sick person I am who seeks wellness with little or no judgment from my peers.

But the best part about being in recovery, for me, are the conferences.  Boy oh boy, they are so much fun.  We gather to hear the message of recovery from each other, relate to each other’s past, present and future, while participating in healthy activities like karaoke, dancing, buffet dinners, comedy shows and more.  It is the part of our fellowship that society knows nothing about and will never hear about because they are so busy judging our label and disease.

Stuart Miles

Needless to say, the recent attendance at a conference brought me joy.  I am so happy for the opportunity to be rejuvenated, loved by my peers who have similar pasts and presents, and to hear many, many messages of hope rooted in one simple fact:  We Do Recover.

If you have never been to a conference and are in recovery, I suggest you find one and enjoy yourself.  Meet new people, try new things and know that our bad days end and new days unfold if we stay in the process of positive, healthy self-care.

We recover in community.  We get better.  We reclaim our place in our own lives when we connect with others who inspire us, love us and speak truth to us in ways we can’t do alone. 

Be blessed.

M

Why I Tried to Quit Smoking…AGAIN!

        Harm.  My life is a tangible example of self-abuse and self-harm.  This was the reality I had to face when my doctor, yet again, suggested I quit smoking because of the condition of my lungs.  What I really wanted was some medicine to continue my cycle of abuse.  He refused to oblige my request. 

                Now what was I going to do?

                I really had to ask myself that question and I actually expected a response.  Anyone who knows me knows the response had to be reasonable, logical and part of the solution as it related to my physical and mental health.

                So, I made a decision.  Since I could not logically rationalize smoking until the bitter end of its consequences – death, I decided to quit, yet again!  But, this time I would prepare in ways I had never done before. 

My behavior was killing me

I started smoking cigarettes because I was hopeless.  At the age of 14, I always told my friends that smoking was a horrible habit that just didn’t make sense to me.  I swore I would never do it. 

But, there was a disconnect in my life.  As a child, I was taught to do the right thing, follow my parents rules’ and good rewards would be the result.  So, I did the right thing, strived to live up to their expectations and every summer ended up on punishment.  I always ended up in trouble. 

What I didn’t understand was my father was afraid to let his daughters grow up.  So to protect us from the world, he decided to keep us locked and confined to the family neighborhood in hopes of shielding us from society.  My adult mind discovered the harm of this behavior in therapy.  Yet, the mind of a child struggled to make sense of the injustice.

My parents loved me, but my dad had a dysfunctional form of parenting that, in the end, left me hopeless in addition to powerless.  The only thing I could do was turn my anger at the injustice of his decisions onto myself.  So, I marched up to my then best friend, told her to give me a cigarette, and after a brief justification of my irrational thought process, she obliged.

History of Quitting

Honestly, I have probably successfully quit five times.  I have probably tried to quit, without any good results, 1,000 times.  When the nicotine patch came out, I initially was not allergic to the patches.  But, as fate would have it, I developed an allergy after I kept trying to quit using that method and never quite reached the goal.  Smoking cessation classes and prayer and meditation and people to partner with as I ran to reach the goal all proved that I could, at any given moment, return to hurting myself one cigarette at a time.  And, I always did.

The Abuse Stops Now!

In 2013, I told myself I was going to quit smoking.  My quit date would be December 31, 2014. 

In that year, my goal was to understand three things: 

1) Why I had committed so much of my life to harming myself;

2) Could I ever view myself as worthy of a healthy lifestyle of behaviors and practices towards myself; and

3) What did I need to do to be successful this time because this time was all about success!

The Results of my Labor

Why must you harm yourself, Michelle?  Because I believed the lies.  Society has taught me and several generations before me through slavery and internalized racism that I am not good enough.  All messages pointed to me being too black, too smart, too ugly, too unfriendly, too something that wasn’t good enough to treat myself good.  Being a female was a curse, being smart was a crime, being an addict was a stigma – I have a list of reasons why I hurt myself because I believed I was not good enough. 

But, I refuse to keep using those reasons to define who I am and who I want to become.

Can I change my self-perception?  Yes, I can.  I spent a year telling myself I deserved to be healthy just like the next person.  I embraced every compliment my little girl said to me and I believed, deep in my heart, that I loved me!  I became worthy and valuable to myself and had a list of reasons, in my head, why I was valuable to me.

Can I really become a non-smoker?  Yes.  What can I do?  Use my head.  As I reflected on every time I ever quit smoking, I examined what worked and what didn’t work.  This meant, when I am standing near someone who is smoking and it smells good, don’t stand there and enjoy the poisonous smell.  Move away.  Tell myself the scent will not draw me back into harming myself one cigarette at a time.

What didn’t work?  Believing the lie I can smoke just one cigarette.  One is too many and a thousand never enough.  I cannot smoke one cigarette today.  Or tomorrow.  I have an addictive personality.  My life proves it.  I can’t do one of anything (except maybe eat one okra).

Cold turkey.  Oh my goodness.  In my opinion, that is just a painful way to get off the sauce.  So, since the patches, gum and lozenges don’t work, Wellbutrin is a med that might interact with some I already take, I will try the e-cig.  On one condition:  I will not puff the e-cig every time I feel like smoking.  I am not trading one cig for another.  I am weaning out of this life of self-harm.

I’m six days into my solution.  On January 3, 2015, I smoked my last cigarette at about 12 noon.  I am a non-smoker.  I care about me.  The desire to smoke is not overwhelming to me this time.  Something is different.  Maybe it is that I finally care enough about me to not make a conscious decision to harm me. 

Today, I live like I care about my future.  I can and will prove to myself that I don’t have to hurt myself in order to prove I am alive. 

Peace.

The Christmas Present I Never want again!

Proper Representation of Christ in Spite of…

Irritating.  Ever experience being completely powerless over coughing spells, headaches and unexpected body chills.  Yes, this present, a derivative of a cold/flu, was delivered right before Christmas and was unwelcomed, confusing and left no inclination as to how long it would be around.

At first awareness, I assumed this cold would be easy enough to get rid of.  But then, reality quickly set in when I realized the coughing spells hurt and did not produce anything but a sorer throat.  Oh my, what was I to do?

My grandchildren, mother and other family members were about to be exposed to these unwelcomed germs.  Not to mention, there was no way for me to safeguard myself from trekking out into the cold weather to do last-minute food and gift selections.  Crap.  It was gonna be a bitter-sweet Christmas.  Then, I got the best news ever – I would have to do my personal banking too.  No direct deposit for me this week.  Nope.  Another reason to venture out into the cold.

While I struggled to find the joy in Christmas and regain a sense of peace within my soul, I sought the Lord, and He heard my cry. 

I said, “Father, I do not feel spiritual, happy or optimistic about anything since I don’t feel good.  Please help me to put this all in perspective.”  The response was to call my sponsor.  Simple enough.

After the normal split-second wrestle with the thought that she was too busy for my concerns, I dialed her number anyway.  I could hear her grandchildren playing in the background as I fumbled to greet her with my splitting headache.  She soon found a quiet space to sit and listen to my concerns and share her wisdom. 

Whew.  This Christmas doesn’t have to be a disaster after all.  I can do two things:  manage myself properly and practice the spiritual principles.  By remembering I am responsible for what I say and do, no matter how I FEEL, I can rest, attend one or two family gatherings and practice kindness, patience and a few other spiritual principles.

All will be well.

So, although I don’t want another cold on Christmas, I did have a chance to practice rising above my emotions (anxiety/worry), psychological heaviness, physical impairments and financial concerns to demonstrate love, patience and kindness towards, and with, those I love.  Next time I will do better.  This time, I did okay.  There’s always room for improvement.  J

Peace & Merry Christmas

Adventures in Mental Health Advocacy: Connected to Our Kin

Years ago, a family member, by marriage, was being mistreated and shunned.  What bothered me about the family’s response to his mental illness was:

1.       The family had known for decades something was different about this person;

2.       The family chose to shun him into “correct” behavior;

3.       The family was very vocal and judgmental about the misgivings and shortcomings of other people in general while completely blind to their own faults; and

4.       The family was unable to see and understand the magnitude of the harm they were causing to their loved one.

I was so bothered by their behavior that I spoke up.  I asked them, “How dare you not help him?  You have always known something was different about him.”  Especially when I began to understand this family knew of his illness when he was only 8 years old. 

This family’s truth is a psychiatrist prophesied the patient would end up in one of three places – jail, homeless or dead.  When I met him, he has visited the first two places and, by God’s grace, was still alive and in his 30’s.

Before I spoke up, the family had ceased offering emotional, financial or physical support.  Most of the time, no one knew where he was for months at a time.  And when he did reappear, his living arrangements involved abandoned houses, shelters or some woman who was quickly growing tired of him.  His body might even reflected a new set of scars from his latest attempts at self-harm.

Little did I know, in advocating for him, I was standing up for myself.  In the journey of his life, he now has stable housing, a source of income and his mental illness.  But, he is also in counseling.

This above family member is/was connected to me by marriage.  Although that marriage has ended, I still hold a special place in my heart for this man. 

In fact, I spoke him a few times while visiting my counseling agency.  He said to me, “You know, I want to tell you something.  I was able to address my mental health problems because you were so open about yours.”

Today, I wonder if he ever experienced the inner rage I felt for my family not being more proactive in assisting me with my emotional dysfunctions.  I understand, in reflection, why he would talk to his family in angry, aggressive tones sometimes.  Granted, I’m not a therapist but I bet he felt alone in the world.  That feeling of being alone in the world is enough to make anyone angry because of the underlying fear. 

Then to admit to yourself that the people who brought you into the world and have blood ties to you are unwilling to TRY and understand your dysfunctions is difficult to accept too.  If their lack of support has stemmed over a season of decades, the pain is even stronger. 

As the mental health patient begins to understand the labels and symptoms associated with past behaviors, and the warning signals they displayed, anger towards the family for “not knowing” and “not helping” is probably common.

For those of us with mental health issues, our families have a lot of shame.  This is the only disease that brings about a large sense of shame and embarrassment within the family unit.  They deal with the matter by remaining in denial about our sickness, blaming the patient and believing he/she should “know better.”  The family’s choice to remain angry at the consumer, who typically cannot help

themselves because they aren’t even living in their own reality, is not a solution.  Remaining silent and ignoring the problem in the hopes that it will go away is not the solution either. 

Who tries to help find a solution?  Any solution for the family unit that is suffering as a whole?

In this adventure of advocacy, I believe everyone can participate in the solution.  My part is to share my personal story.  I have to reveal to the world what it is like knowing I have mental health issues, what it is like realizing I have been sick for a long time without any self-awareness and how I began to chart a path toward personal healing.  Sharing with others, even if it is one person at a time, what it is like taking medication, how I felt as a result of my family’s response to my mental health and the ways I monitor myself and my behavior can only help. 

Another solution is for family members to begin listening.  Breathe, listen and listen some more.  Reflect.  Be honest about the past.  Then, gather information for many resources about how to assist, support or, at the very least, not be a part of the problem anymore.

My hope is that others will see how they can help their kindred instead of ignoring the problem and remaining silent. 

The human voice is so powerful.  Already, in one-on-one conversations I have been able to share with non-mental health consumers what their family members are experiencing as they spiral downward into depression or race fast forward towards a brick wall.  I encourage others to help their loved ones, recognize their bizarre and often strange calls for help and to not look for someone to blame. 

What the mental health consumer needs is support.  And, sometimes that looks like tough love – in order to protect themselves and others from harm.  There is a solution for our dilemma.  And if we could all move past the shame, both the family and the mental health consumer can recover.

Believe: It is Your Choice

“…oppressed people feel as if fate is against them.” – Wafa Sultan, author of A God Who Hates

Oppression is revealed to different people in different ways.  The author of the book A God Who Hates reveals the oppression she witnessed and experienced as a woman in a Middle Eastern country.

It can be argued that people with a mental illness diagnosis, history of substance abuse or handicap (physical, financial, etc.) are experiencing oppression on a daily basis.  The old, “damn if you do, damned if you don’t” mentality can sit in your mind on top of any chances for hope to dwell there too.

There is a hope that our lives can improve, that our loved ones will heal from sickness, our illnesses will disappear, our addictions and disorders will improve.  But one lesson I am currently embracing is this:  I have to believe “it” can happen. 

Uncovering the false statements of my lifelong social environments and interactions has revealed a bed of lies that have dominated my thinking and behavior for many decades.  These lies and false beliefs are being addressed, one at a time, in a variety of healthier environments such as 12-step programs, church, therapy and one-on-one conversations with healthier, more balanced individuals. 

I am realizing that many words of encouragement were heard by me negatively.  Now, with more emotional and mental stability, I am able to make clearer decisions about who I will believe and what I will believe.

I will believe the report of the Lord. 

God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

God says I am the head and not the tail.

God says he has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

In choosing to replace God’s Words and statements with the negative ones of old, I am equipping myself for a better day.  A brighter day.  The “woe is me” mentality is paused to consider something new.  I know I am not alone.

I often read some of the comments found on Facebook by mental health consumers and addicts around the globe.  We can be a pitiful lot.  Sometimes I wonder if anyone has heard of the Savior that can lead us into right thinking.  I suspect not. 

And with religion being such a “taboo” subject in so many arenas, what choice does a person really have?

Gratefully, 12-step programs, despite what critics say, are a great way for a person to create and build a relationship with a Power greater than themselves.  Since you get to name your Power, God is one of the names often chosen. 

In creating, building and sustaining the relationship with God, many people experience happier thoughts, brighter futures and a sense of peace within their soul.

Now, I am a third of fourth generation believer and I currently don’t have a whole lot of material things.  But one thing I can say, “I have peace.  I have a yearning to see a better future because I know God promises me more than what I currently can see today.”

Fate is against me.  I was against me.  When I cooperated with my own demons and refused to challenge my negative thoughts and behavior, I was at war with myself.  By slowly allowing other people to be used by God to encourage me and coach me and mentor me and pray for me, I am fighting myself less often and thinking negative less frequently.  I made a choice.

Will you?  Can you?  Choose to believe in the God that is greater than you and I.  Embrace God’s Word and what it says about you.

I don’t know who, if anyone, is reading my blog.  But I want, more than anything else in the world, is for the saddest, sickest people on earth to read these posts and feel hope, inspiration and a way out of their self-made or biological prisons. 

We do recover.  We do get better.  But we have to cooperate with God to reach that better place.  What choice will you make?